The council ends and all has been decided. The fellowship of nine will leave in the morning from Rivendell and journey towards Mordor, to destroy the ring.

Merry: Yadda yadda yadda.

Legolas, the Elf archer breaks from the other delegates to collect his thoughts amongst the hills and beauty of Rivendell.

Merry: (as Legolas) *walking around hills picking up thoughts*
Pippin: Silly Legolas, leaving his thoughts everywhere and making a mess.

As the wind hits his face half way down the hill, a foreign sound rings in his ears.

Merry: SCREEEEEECCCCH!
Pippin: (as Legolas) MY EARS! THEY’RE BLEEDING!
Merry: (as the foreign sound) I am a Mary Sue. I am singing and you will hear me and fall in love.
Pippin: (as Legolas) What?
Merry: (as the foreign sound) Follow the sound of my voice. FALL IN LOVE, SEXY ELVEN MOTHERFUCKER!
Pippin: You know, I don’t think Legolas is going to like this.
Merry: Which is why we’re not telling him.
Pippin: You don’t want to see him use his bow on her?
Merry: Heh. You said use his bow on her.

It was a song, a very odd song. It was not in Elvish and not in any style that Legolas has ever heard.

Merry: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS DECENT AND HOLY, GET YOUR DAMN TENSES STRAIGHT!
Pippin: I knew you were tense.
Merry: Not tense, Pippin, tenses.
Pippin: I’m telling you, five minutes with the massage master and you’ll be a new hobbit.
Merry: *ignores him* This present tense thing is a mistake.
Pippin: I didn’t realize you were such a reader.
Merry: Trust me, it’s a mistake.

His curiosity overwhelms him as he follows the sound of the strange, swirling music.

Merry: Swirling music?
Pippin: Maybe they flushed it down the toilet.
Merry: Best place for it.
Pippin: Heh. Swirl.
Merry: Is there anything you can’t make a double entendre out of?
Pippin: Heh. Double.

His senses and swiftness allow him to be quiet as he stalks through the grass so he can observe.

Merry: *bitterly* Oh, that’s right, stalk and fall in love.
Pippin: Where are we anyway, the veldt? Stalking through grasses?

Legolas takes cover

Merry: No shit.
Pippin: Can you blame him? Poor guy.

behind a tree as he hones in on the source of the new sounds.

Pippin: Oh, hone, Legolas, hone! Yes, yes, yes! Hone, baby, hone!
Merry: You should think about seeking therapy.

Down by the water, Lord Elrond's three mortal guests sit in the sunlight.

Pippin: Aren’t we mortal?
Merry: Yes.
Pippin: Aren’t Aragorn and Boromir and the dwarves mortal?
Merry: Yes.
Pippin: So why only three mortal guests?
Merry: Because the idiot doesn’t know the difference between human and mortal.
Pippin: I wonder if we could arrange a mortal wound for these mortal guests.

Legolas studies their odd apparel and body language quietly, taking in the entire scene. The two men flank either side of the female

Pippin: Heh. Flank.

as they sing one of the men playing a harp. He fixes on the girl, this Laurel.

Pippin: And then he shoots her? Please tell me he shoots her!
Merry: Pippin, remember what I said about the singing?
Pippin: Sexy elven motherfucker?
Merry: He’s going to fall in love.
Pippin: I’m going to tell Legolas you called him that.
Merry: If you do, I’ll tell Boromir about the Horn of Gondor.
Pippin: He already knows.
Merry: Fine, then I’ll tell him about the dancing hobbits!
Pippin: *grumbles* Ok, ok. Touchy touchy.

She doesn't have a sweet voice,

Merry: Yes she does, in a growly shrieky raspy mild sort of way.
Pippin: She has the Gravelly Voice of Doom.

like elf maidens, but it is still beautiful in a very different way. The two men harmonize with her, her brother singing higher than she and the other singing lower. The sound is oddly pleasant to Legolas's ears,

Merry; Yeah, cause we don’t have harmony in Middle-Earth.
Pippin: Riiiight.

as he watches the three start the song again. He listens intently, still in the shelter of the tree

Merry: (as the tree) No fair!
Pippin: (as the tree) Why do I have to shelter Legolas? Everyone always hides behind the trees. We have feelings too, you know!

as Laurel sings, "Wayfaring warrior Soul-still wild the archer stands. Arrow measured to the goal-sing of strong and living man."

Pippin: AAAHHH! MORE SINGING!
Merry: *whimpers* Make it stop, mommy! It burns!
Pippin: This is nothing like the song the dancing hobbits…
Merry: Let us never speak of that again.
Pippin: You weren’t saying that when you…
Merry: Pippin!
Pippin: All right, all right.

Legolas looks contemplative and whispers to his self, "They sing of an archer?"

Pippin: Right! Take it as a sign, Legolas, and KILL THEM!

The words

Merry: , and his eyes,

roll around in his head

Pippin: (as the words) I’m getting diiiiizzzzzzy!

while he watches the three; his atention set mostly on the girl.

Merry: Uh-oh.
Pippin: What?
Merry: Now we have to hear about how beeeeyoootiful this Mary Sue is.
Pippin: Ew.

She is short, not tall and lithe like the elf- maidens.

Pippin: Woohoo! She’s short! Maybe she’s ugly too!
Merry: *shakes his head sadly* Oh, Pip, you have so much to learn.

Her lips are full, her eyes are green with flecks of yellow

Pippin: Like vomit?
Merry: What?
Pippin: Well, the other day, I ate a whole lot of spinach and some corn, then I drank a LOT of ale, and then I was sick. And it was green with yellow bits. Like her eyes!
Merry: That’s really gross, Pip.

and her hair is the darkest gold with an odd streak of green, deeper than the shade of his own cloak.

Merry: Her hair has a streak of green?
Pippin: Like my vomit.
Merry: Will you stop?
Pippin: You know what’s really odd? Is the fact that there was carrot in it too. I hadn’t even eaten any carrot since the time we… aren’t speaking of.
Merry: *warningly* Pippin…
Pippin: Heh. Eaten. *pause* I wish I had a carrot. Do we have anything to eat?
Merry: NO.

She is fair,

Merry: No, she’s not, she CHEATS at EVERYTHING!
Pippin: Merry, I think the author means fair, as in, beeeeyooootiful.
Merry: Do I care?
Pippin: Um. Yes?
Merry: The answer, Pip, is NO. I DO NOT.
Pippin: Oh.

in a mortal way; but more interesting than anything.

Merry: Clearly, Legolas has not been reading this story. She is not interesting. She is quite possibly the most boring person ever to walk the face of the earth.

Legolas listens as Laurel pleads

Merry: (as Laurel) *pleading* PLEASE SHAG ME!
Pippin: Yes, please shag me!
Merry: You weren’t speaking as Laurel just then, were you?
Pippin: *looks guilty*
Merry: Could you just stop already? Just because we got drunk that one time and got a little too enthusiastic with the dancing hobbits and the vegetables doesn’t mean you need to go all Fatal Attraction on me.
Pippin: *sulks*

"Gentle archer ages old- release the aim, free the goal."

Merry: Blah blah blah, sing sing sing, plot plot plot.
Pippin: I LIKE THE SINGING.
Merry: No, you don’t. You’re just mad at me.
Pippin: Hmph.

His heart beats erratically as the song ends, as if the song had shaken him to the very core;

Merry: ARRRRGHHHHHH!
Pippin: Her imagery really sucks, doesn’t it?
Merry: (as the song) *grabbing Legolas* I just KNOW if I shake this Elf long enough I’ll get some Jujubes!

as if she were singing about his own dreams.

Both: *rolling eyes*
Merry: Right. Because Legolas dreams about shooting green haired Janis Joplin imitators.
Pippin: Actually, he told me once that he had a dream about a green horse that wouldn’t stop trying to "you know what" with a tree and then…
Merry: Please don’t finish that story.

Legolas senses something and turns to see the Ranger behind him.

Pippin: Now, *this* is more realistic. Behind him. Heh.
Merry: Um, ew.

"You seem intrigued, Legolas"

Merry: (as Legolas) Why, yes, I am intrigued.
Pippin: (as Legolas) I am curious as to whether Laurel’s death would be more painful by bow or by knife.

Legolas nods to the three by the river, " Indeed, Aragorn. Their music. It is interesting."

Pippin: Yeah, INTERESTING.
Merry: Interesting meaning a FORM OF TORTURE.

The Ranger smiles upon hearing his rightful name.

Pippin: Um, huh?
Merry: It’s not like it’s so rare for people to call him Aragorn that he gets all giddy about it.
Pippin: Plus, Legolas wouldn’t call him Aragorn. He’d call him "hunka burnin’ love" or something. And they would never have a stupid conversation like this. It’s all kissy kissy and dirty talk.
Merry: Never tell me how you know that.

Aragorn turns to the Elf prince, "Why don't you make yourself known,

Merry: Right, tell them that you’re into Aragorn. That’ll get rid of them.

they are rather personable; however strange. The girl has a charm,

Merry; Oh, so THAT’s how she’s making Legolas fall in love with her. She has a CHARM.
Pippin: Where can I get one of those?
Merry: I don’t even want to ask who you’re going to use it on.
Pippin: *looks innocent* Why, whatever do you mean?

but she is odd indeed."

Both: Indeed.
Pippin: Is Aragorn encouraging Legolas to get jiggy with Vomit Girl?
Merry: Sounds like it.
Pippin: Aragorn’s going to kill her.
Merry: We can only hope.

Legolas shakes his head, "I do not wish to disturb them,

Pippin: That’s a big fat lie.
Merry: If Legolas saw this story, he’d disturb them faster than you could say "multiple arrows."
Pippin: That sounds kinky.
Merry: No, you’re just perverted.

they seem content; but I would like to know more about the archer they sing of."

Pippin: Oh, silly Legolas, it’s clearly YOU that they’re singing of.
Merry: Duh. This author’s version of Legolas isn’t exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

Aragorn smiles. "Come now, Elf. Don't be bashful."

Merry: (as Legolas) *blushing* I’m just so BASHFUL, even after 3000 YEARS of dating, I still can’t talk to girls…
Pippin: (as Legolas) Here, can I give you this note? You can pass it to her in homeroom.
Merry: (as Legolas) See, it says, "Do you like me? Check yes or no."

He takes Legolas by the shoulder

Merry: Bow chicka wow wow!
Pippin: Now who’s perverted?

and leads him to the river where the three mortals rest.

Merry: Rest?
Pippin: In peace?

As they come near, the three strangers laugh together

Pippin: Crap.
Merry: They’re alive.
Pippin: *sigh*

and seem oblivious that anyone is near.

Merry: Why, because they’re BLIND as well as STUPID?

They reach the river bank and walk to Geoff's side, where Aragorn addresses them, "Your music intrigues us, gypsies."

Pippin: Looks like Aragorn’s been charmed too.
Merry: (as Aragorn) So why don’t you come and intrigue our brains out, hmm?

They all turn their heads and look a little startled. Geoff and Cole shoot to their feet, leaving Laurel enshrouded by their shadows.

Merry: What the fuck?
Pippin: Again with the crappy imagery.
Merry: She’s ENSHROUDED by their shadows? Where the hell did this chick learn to write?
Pippin: Dude, she didn’t learn.

Aragorn offers Laurel his hand and helps her to her feet, she merely smiles.

Merry: Well, what’s she supposed to do? Leap into his arms for being helped to her feet?
Pippin: I didn’t think the writing could get any worse after "enshrouded in shadows."
Merry: Oh, Pippin… It can ALWAYS get worse.

Geoff shrugs, "Lady Arwen brought me this harp. In Bloomsdale we are musicians, but we do not play instruments so elegant."

Merry: (as Geoff) But we suck no matter which instruments we use.
Pippin: (as Geoff) We’re nothing if not consistent.
Merry: And why is he suddenly talking like this? What the hell?

Aragorn nods in Laurel's direction, "Your voice is lovely, Laurel."

Pippin: Lovely like NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD!
Merry: *shudders*

Laurel's cheeks turn pink, "Thank you."

Merry: Oh, wittle Lauwel is blushing.
Pippin: That’s so sweet that I just want to stab myself repeatedly with a salad fork.

Legolas catches her eye

Merry: Which Aragorn has torn out of her eye socket and thrown at him.
Pippin: And you’re mad at me for saying her eyes look like vomit?
Merry: That was different.
Pippin: How?
Merry: Because I didn’t say it.

and sorts out exactly what to say,

Merry: Is it that complicated?
Pippin: Poor Legolas. In love with the Mary Sue AND an idiot.

"What of the archer, Lady? Who is he?"

Pippin: (as Laurel) Oh, some guy I met down the pub. He was really handy with his arrow, if you know what I mean.
Merry: *rolls eyes*

Laurel shakes her head, "I don't know. A hero perhaps, or just a normal man."

Both: Or an ELF!

Aragorn smiles at the Elf, "Legolas is an archer, I believe your song captivated him."

Merry: *slaps forehead* D’oh!
Pippin: We definitely didn’t see that coming a MILE AWAY, or anything.
Merry: Except we totally did.

Laurel gives Aragorn a glance,

Merry: Of pure, unadulterated LUST.
Pippin: *shouts at Laurel* He’s GAY, dumbass!

then looks back to Legolas, "That's good to hear."

Pippin: (as Legolas) It’s also untrue.
Merry: (as Legolas) I resent being portrayed in this manner.
Pippin: (as Legolas) I must now shoot you several times until you are dead.
Merry: That’s kinda repetitive, isn’t it?

Legolas looks down at her, wishing to know more.

Merry: (as Legolas) I wish to know more. What causes you more pain, an arrow through the stomach or a knife in the chest?

Aragorn takes Laurel's hand and gives it to Legolas.

Merry: (as Laurel) *looks down at missing hand and bursts into tears*
Pippin: (as Laurel) GIVE ME MY HAND BACK, YOU MEANIE!

He then gives the Elf a nudge forward and says, "Legolas, why don't you take the Lady to her quarters?

Merry: OoooOOOOoohhhh, take her to her QUARTERS, eh?
Pippin: I didn’t know this was THAT kind of story.
Merry: We wish.

It is getting late and the banquet begins at sundown."

Pippin: That would never happen.
Merry: (as Aragorn) Here, love, why don’t you go and shag a mortal?
Pippin: Aragorn is going to be really upset about this.
Merry: Not as upset as Legolas will be when the shagging starts.
Pippin: *looks around* There’s shagging? Where? Why wasn’t I invited?
Merry: In the story, Pippin.
Pippin: Oh. Damn.

Legolas looks to Aragorn, his brow wrinkles slightly. Aragorn waves to him, "I must talk to Geoff and Cole about sordid matters

Pippin: Sordid. Hah.

that need not involve Laurel."

Merry: Oh, please.
Pippin: (as Aragorn) We need to talk about stuff that GIRLS don’t want to hear about.
Merry: Like jock straps and hot boy-on-boy action.
Pippin: Who says girls don’t want to hear about that?
Merry: *narrows eyes* How the hell do you know?
Pippin: I’ll never teeellllll.

Legolas feels the girl tense

Pippin: Tense. Heh.
Merry: What?
Pippin: The offer of that massage is still good.
Merry: No.

as they begin to walk up the hill. She sighs and laughs,

Pippin: *attempts to sigh and laugh at the same time* Ahhaaaaaaaaah.
Merry: That’s more of a yawn, really.
Pippin: I know. I’m falling asleep again.

"Sordid. Hah!"

Pippin: I just said that.

Legolas looks down to her, "I'm sorry?"

Laurel smiles, "I can take it. The sordid matters."

Pippin: Oh, you’re so TOUGH, you Mary Sue, you.
Merry: Give her a few chapters and she’ll be slaying Orcs in no time.
Pippin: Wow, I really can’t wait for that.
Merry: Yes, I’m simply cringing with painful anticipation.

The Elf turns away to hide the worry brimming beneath his skin,

Merry: There is WORRY "brimming beneath his skin." How many things are wrong with that sentence?
Pippin: It sounds like a recipe. Stir worry and simmer over low heat.

"I fear it is very dangerous. It would pain me to see you involved."

Merry: (as Legolas) Oh, yeah, I’d be really PAINED by that.
Pippin: (as Legolas) Just CRUSHED. Especially if you died.
Merry: (as Legolas) I’d cry for, like, ten whole seconds.
Pippin: (as Legolas) Laugh, cry, whatever.

Laurel stops and turns to him, "It would pain you? Why? You know nothing about me."

Merry: (as Legolas) I know that I want you dead.
Pippin: (as Legolas) And nothing else really matters.

Legolas meets her gaze, "It would pain me because you are innocent and not of this land; your life shouldn't be in danger."

Merry: Oh, yes it should. She should be fed to Orcs.
Pippin: I think that’s a little harsh. She can’t help being the most boring person ever.
Merry: She can help that this dialogue is so crappy. Legolas would most certainly NOT be saying that.
Pippin: He’d be opening fire, more like.

Laurel continues to walk, "Oh."

Merry: So eloquent!
Pippin: So articulate!
Merry: Now that is some scintillating conversation.

Legolas looks at the girl out of the corner of his eye, "Your song, maiden. I thought it was for me."

Merry: Why? Why would he think that?
Pippin: It was about an archer.
Merry: All the elves arch. Shoot, I mean.
Pippin: Heh. Arch.
Merry: ALL OF THEM. They are ALL archers. Not to mention, Orcs? They arch.
Pippin: Ew.
Merry: My point, Pippin, is that even Legolas isn’t that self-involved.
Pippin: You had a point?

Laurel gives a half-smile, "I am glad you enjoyed it."

Pippin: (as Legolas) Yes, it touched me in a special place.

Legolas sighs, "I fear it will haunt me.

Pippin: Me too.
Merry: Nightmares, cold sweats, the works.

The words as well as your voice. The people crying 'helpless, helpless,' and the 'singing string' beneath my hand. Your song is so real to me."

Both: *staring*
Pippin: She’s making him her lovesick moonpuppy.
Merry: *shakes head*
Pippin: How does Legolas put up with hearing himself talk this way?
Merry: He takes his aggression out by killing them.
Pippin: How constructive.

Laurel walks up the stairs to her quarters, still holding the Elf's arm. They stop in front of her door and Laurel smiles, "I didn't write the song, Prince Legolas. I don't know who it is for."

Pippin: Yes, you DO! STOP LYING!

Legolas sighs again, "Yet it will still haunt me. Please Lady, just call me Legolas."

Merry: (as Legolas) Just call me Leggy Lulu.
Pippin: (as Legolas) Or pointy-eared bow twanger.

Laurel nods and whispers, "Legolas."

Pippin: (as Laurel) *whispers* Shag me.

He raises his hand and touches the vivid streak of hair, "Very interesting, your hair. Reminds me of a tree."

Pippin: (as Legolas) In that it is completely unlike hair in any way.
Merry: Oh, Leggy, you poet!
Pippin: Poor trees can’t catch a break.

She grins, "Thanks, that's what I was going for."

Pippin: You know, I know a nice Ent she might like.

His hand found its way

Merry: These shifting tenses are giving me a headache.

o her earlobe where three silver hoops dangle. He brushes his finger against them, "Is this a tradition of your people?"

Pippin: Why are we spending so much goddamn time on her looks?
Merry: Orcs have earrings. And noserings. And rings in places I don’t want to think about.
Pippin: Right.
Merry: And you never see Legolas tweaking their ears.
Pippin: Well, maybe YOU haven’t.
Merry: EW!
Pippin: Kidding, kidding.

Laurel lets out a soft giggle, "It's optional."

The Elf takes her hand, "You are very interesting, lady. I should like to

Merry: (as Legolas) KILL YOU!
Pippin: (as Legolas) I’ll stick you so full of arrows you’ll look like a pincushion.

hear more about your home tonight, and perhaps another song."

Merry: *sighs* No, she is not interesting. She is the most boring person since the invention of boredom.
Pippin: *yawns* Are we there yet?
Merry: Almost.
Pippin: Do we have any food?
Merry: No.

Laurel smiles coyly, "Perhaps."

Merry: (as Laurel) Which means, do me now, you sexy elven motherfucker!
Pippin: Merry, you’re really working this sexy elven mother fucker thing.
Merry: What? No, I’m not.
Pippin: You don’t, like, have a thing for Legolas, do you?
Merry: NO!
Pippin: Because that would be okay, if you did. I’m into open relationships.
Merry: PIPPIN, SHUT UP!

Legolas kisses her hand and meets her eyes, "Farewell then, until tonight."

Laurel opens the door and backs inside. She smiles at the Elf, "Until tonight, gentle archer."

Pippin: Oh, TWO poets.
Merry: I’m seduced by the beautiful language.
Pippin: I’m nauseated by it.
Merry: Haven’t you ever heard of sarcasm?
Pippin: NOOOOOoooo.
Merry: *rolls eyes*

~~
Please Review! More twists to come.

Pippin: Oooh, MORE twists?
Merry: Wait, wouldn’t that imply that there’s already been one?
Pippin: I didn’t see it.
Merry: *looks under couch cushions* No twist here.

Will it be Legolas and Laurel? The Magic 8-ball says "No."

Merry: *looks baffled* No?
Pippin: Eh, just you wait. Eventually, they all shag Legolas.
Merry: Slut.
Pippin: You just wish he had a thing for hobbits.

Dark themes to appear soon, and more rock and roll lifestyle on the way!!!

Merry: Oh, GREAT.
Pippin: Wouldn’t want to miss that.
Merry: You know, I think that’s the end.
Pippin: What?
Merry: Of the chapter.
Pippin: We've been reading this for the last six years and that’s all that’s happened? NOTHING?
Merry: Sadly, yes.
Pippin: I still think we should tell Legolas.
Merry: NO. We don’t want to upset him.
Pippin: I do. He might kill her.
Merry: True.
Pippin: You know… I could give you that massage now.
Merry: *sighs* Oh, all right.

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