|
MST
by twosungirlls
Dream of the Dancing
Hobbits (or, Pippin's
a
Pervert) Part 1
|
Based on "Rambling
Band"
Chapter 4: Dream of the Archer
Pippin: What are we doing again?
Merry: I told you about the other story, right?
Pippin: The one that resulted in Sam…
Merry: That’s the one.
Pippin: Yes.
Merry: Yes what?
Pippin: Yes, you told me.
Merry: Well, this is another one.
Pippin: *looks around* Where’s Sam?
Merry: He’s not here.
Pippin: Then how’s he going to…
Merry: Pippin, the point is not to have Sam kill everyone.
It’s to make fun of the stories.
Pippin: Oh. *thinks* Do we have anything to eat?
Merry: No.
Pippin: Oh.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing and no one belonging to J.R.R.
Tolkien or in Lord of the Rings nor any of the songs by Led
Zeppelin and Heart. This story is meant to be in the text
of pure fandom of both rock and roll and Mr. Tolkien's momentous
and beautiful works. I'm not profiting from this in any monetary
fashion. It's merely an expression of love.
Merry: Expression of love, my arse.
Pippin: So we just get to sit here and make fun of this story
then, right?
Merry: Yes.
Pippin: Excellent! Are we in it?
Merry: Not this chapter, no.
Pippin: Oh. We’re not really in that many of the stories,
are we?
Merry: No… most of the stories about us are slash.
Pippin: *intrigued* Slash, eh?
Merry: No, Pippin, we are not doing one of those, so you can
just forget about it.
Pippin: Aw. Why not?
Merry: You know very well why not.
Pippin: It might be kinda fun…
Merry: *sternly* NO.
Pippin: Oh, come on, we can just get drunk and do it! It’ll
be fun.
Merry: I’ve heard THAT before.
Pippin: Well, it worked on you once…
Merry: *turns red*
**In this chapter appears the lyrics to the song "Dream
of the Archer" by the band Heart. It appears on their album
"Little Queen." Please go buy it-they are a great band. I
do not own this song, but it is beautiful and brilliant. **
Pippin: Dream of the Archer. Wow. That’s so, like, symbolic.
Merry: Yeah, this story’s, like, really deep and meaningful.
Pippin: Am I going to fall asleep?
Merry: Probably.
Rambling Band
By Queen of Rock
Pippin: Queen of Rock? Which rock?
Merry: I don’t think she means that kind of rock, Pippin.
Pippin: I’m already confused.
Chapter Four: Dream of the Archer
Pippin: Chapter four? There was a chapter one, two and three?
Merry: Pippin, I told you to read first three chapters!
Pippin: Sorry.
Merry: As you should be. Well. In the first three chapters
of Rambling Band, there’s this rock band…
Pippin: Is that related to the queen?
Merry: What?
Pippin: Queen of Rock?
Merry: Sort of. They’re musicians. They do a concert. The
lead singer, Laurel…
Pippin: Also known as Mary Sue?
Merry: Now you’re getting it.
Pippin: *nods sagely*
Merry: Anyway, Laurel’s all sexy and talented. And she has
a green streak in her hair.
Pippin: Ergh, I hate her already.
Merry: And she has her brother, Geoff, and a friend, Cole--
Pippin: Like the slaw?
Merry: Um, sort of.
Pippin: I’m hungry.
Merry: *loudly* She has Geoff and Cole as sidekicks.
Pippin: To tell her how great she is all the time?
Merry: Right. And then they have a car accident, and they
arrive in Middle Earth. We meet up with them, and for some
reason that I don’t know, we take them to Elrond.
Pippin: Why?
Merry: I just said I didn’t know.
Pippin: That seems like a stupid thing to do.
Merry: All these stories are about us doing stupid things.
For some reason, there’s a dinner party, blah blah blah.
Pippin: You don’t think I need more detail?
Merry: This is the most boring story I have ever read. It’s
taken three chapters to say: the chick sings, she’s in Middle
Earth. I think you’ll be ok.
Pippin: Right.
"Hey Rel. You okay?"
Pippin: Rel? What the hell kind of name is that?
Merry: Stands for Laurel.
Pippin: That’s a stupid nickname.
Merry: Yes, yes, it is. Peregrine.
Pippin: Shut up, Meriadoc.
Laurel looks up from the riverside to meet her eyes with
Cole.
Merry: What kind of sentence is that? My brain hurts.
Pippin: I think she’s just looking at Slaw.
Merry: Oh. I hate it when they wax lyrical.
The three of them now sit by the river,
Pippin: Three of who? There’s Rel and Slaw. Where’d this other
person come from?
Merry: Probably her brother.
Pippin: Now MY brain hurts.
taking in the sheer beauty of the strange, surreal place.
Pippin: Did she just call Rivendell strange and surreal?
Merry: Yes.
Pippin: Because I’ve *been* to Rivendell and it’s not strange
or surreal.
Merry: I know.
Pippin: It’s very pretty.
Merry: I know.
Pippin: I mean, I’ve been to some strange and surreal places.
Merry: I know.
Pippin: Rivendell wasn’t one of them.
Merry: I know.
Pippin: Do we have anything to eat?
Merry: No.
Pippin: Can we go find something?
Merry: We’re supposed to be reading.
Pippin: It’s boring.
Merry: I know.
Laurel shifts a little and shrugs, "Guess I'm just a little
confused. About everything."
Pippin: You and me both, bitch.
Merry: (as Laurel) *looks lost* I just don’t get it. Two and
two equal WHAT again?
Pippin: (as Laurel) And why the hell do you call me Rel?
Cole sits down next to her as Geoff strums his new instrument.
Pippin: Pervy!
Merry: *snort* Yeah, strum it, baby.
Pippin: *fondles imaginary harp*
Merry: Wait, weren’t all three of them already sitting in
the last sentence?
Pippin: Yes. Yes, they were.
He nods, "I am too. I think we might be in danger,
Merry: Yeah, you’re going to have the Elvish Assassin on your
ass.
I mean from all of this stuff Geoff tells me about the
ring,
Pippin: Geoff? Geoff’s a harp-strumming weirdo. What does
Geoff know?
Merry: I think he’s read the books.
and the fellowship and all."
Merry: (as Cole) You know, like that Dark Lord guy, he kinda
sounds like a real jerk and stuff.
Pippin: Plus, Sauron REALLY hates Mary Sues.
Merry: Shit out of luck, beeyotch.
As if on cue, Geoff plops down on the other side of Laurel
Merry: THEY WERE ALREADY SITTING.
Pippin: Don’t let it get to you.
Merry: It was a damn sentence ago, Pip.
Pippin: You’re very tense.
Merry: I’m not tense.
and cocks
Pippin: *snicker*
Merry: Now who’s pervy?
Pippin: Cocks. Heh.
Merry: Are you going to do this all the way through?
Pippin: Yes.
his head, "Don't worry, guys. We'll get back home if we
don't act too conspicuous.
Merry: Yeah, as long as you don’t, like, start singing songs
or anything, you should be fine.
Besides, it will be great to see all of this stuff unfold."
Merry: Unfold? UNFOLD? What the hell is he talking about,
unfold? It’s all death and misery! UNFOLD!
Pippin: You’re definitely tense.
Merry: And speaking of tense, what the hell is up with the
present tense shit? The only time that works is first person.
You use it third person, you sound like an arse.
Pippin: Well, that’s true.
Laurel wrinkles her nose in dismay at her brother,
Merry: Oh, RIGHT! Because nose wrinkling? That’s a *great*
sign of dismay! No one would *ever* misinterpret that as you
smelling something bad!
Pippin: I think you’re overreacting.
Merry: No, I’m not. Anyway, you haven’t seen the others.
Pippin: Like Sam?
Merry: Well, not just Sam. Legolas was ready to kill the last
chick who wrote herself into his lovelife.
Pippin: You know, I knew he was secretly a passionate man.
Elf.
Merry: Pippin, it’s not exactly a secret. Aragorn practically
shouts it from the rooftops.
Pippin: (as Aragorn) LEGOLAS IS HOT STUUUUUUUFF!
Merry: We’ve really gotten off-track.
Pippin: This is a boring story. Do we have anything to eat?
Merry: No.
"Great? Geoffrey, we're talking about a war. A war with
swords and arrows and hand to hand combat.
Merry: That’s the least of your worries, if I get that meat
cleaver back from Sam.
Pippin: I love it when you get angry.
Merry: *rolls eyes*
Not to mention the wizards, elves, hobbits and magic. We
can't get involved in this."
Pippin: Nope, you can’t.
Merry: SO GO AWAY.
Geoff sighs and strums the harp some more,
Both: *snickering*
Pippin: Sighing AND strumming.
"I wouldn't worry about it too much, Laurel. We are in
the presence of the most reliable people in Middle Earth,
Merry: Who?
Pippin: She can’t mean us. We’re not reliable.
Merry: We’re fun to drink with though.
Pippin: And we’re good in the sack.
Merry: Don’t ever say that around a Mary Sue! Next thing you
know, you’re falling in love with her!
Pippin: Nah, we’re safe. She likes Legolas, remember?
Merry: True. I guess as long as you don’t put that blond wig
on again, you should be fine.
Pippin: You SO did not just go there.
Merry: *snerk*
Pippin: Oh, you’re going to be sorry for that.
Lord Elrond will help us."
Merry: *darkly* No, he won’t.
Pippin: (as Elrond) Yes, I’ll help you by kicking your ass.
Merry: (as Elrond) I do it out of love.
Laurel sits in silence as Geoff continues to play and watches
the river once more, hypnotized by how the water and the sun
appear to dance together in the riverbed.
Merry: (as the water) *drowns them*
Pippin: (as the sun) *doing an Irish jig*
Merry: You know, usually you can’t SEE a riverbed.
Pippin: Right. Because of the water.
Merry: I *hate* it when they wax lyrical. At least craparse
writers are just crap. But these ones sucker you into thinking
they might actually be able to WRITE. And then they CAN’T.
Pippin: *sobs dramatically* Oh, the DISAPPOINTMENT!
Merry: Don’t make me gag you with a carrot.
Pippin: Is that supposed to be a punishment?
Cole lies back on the grass and closes his eyes when Geoff
nudges his sister, "Come on Rel. Let's try out a song.
Pippin: No, really, let’s not.
Merry: *groans* Told you they were gonna sing.
Pippin: I hate it when you’re right.
Merry: They always sing.
Pippin: They do?
Merry: Always. And someone overhears. And falls in looooove.
Pippin: Ew.
Merry: Probably Legolas.
Pippin: Why Legolas?
Merry: They all like Legolas.
Pippin: Why?
Merry: Because he’s beautiful.
Pippin: Too pretty for my taste.
Merry: Well, if it’s not Legolas, it’ll be Aragorn.
Pippin: Why not Boromir?
Merry: Some of them take against Boromir.
Pippin: Why?
Merry: *shrugs* Dunno.
Pippin: I like Boromir.
Merry: I know you do, Pippin.
Pippin: He’s a good fighter. And good looking. And all tall
and manly and…
Merry: Yes, Pippin.
Pippin: There’s that whole Horn of Gondor thing…
Merry: *puts his fingers in his ears* I CAN’T HEAR YOU.
Pippin: You know, we’ve gotten really distracted again.
Merry: This story sucks eggs.
Pippin: I could really go for some eggs right now.
I think I've got this harp down."
Merry: Yeah, you’ve been strumming it long enough.
Pippin: Pervy harp fancier.
She squints in the sunlight, "Alright. What should we attempt?"
Pippin: Who SAYS that?
Cole sits back up, "How about that song by Heart? The one
Laurel sings. It seems appropriate."
Merry: Appropriately SUCKY.
Pippin: You’re really tense, Merry. I could give you a massage.
Merry: Um. Thanks, but no thanks.
Pippin: That’s not what you said last time.
Merry: Pippin! Concentrate on the story!
Pippin: *whines* The story is boring!
Merry: And giving me a massage is a thrill ride? Wait! Don’t
answer that!
Pippin: Heh.
Merry: Shut up.
Laurel nods and looks to Geoff, "Alright. Do you think
we could try 'Dream of the Archer'*?"
Geoff nods and looks contemplative.
Merry: (as Geoff) Chicken… or egg? Hmm.
Pippin: (as Laurel) I’m still stuck on this two plus two thing.
He tries the intro and fails, "Hold on, let me get the
rythym down."
Pippin: *snicker* Rhythm.
Merry: Shut up.
After six attempts,
Pippin: Six attempts? Dude, he sucks.
Merry: Wait until she starts singing. You don’t even KNOW
suckiness yet.
Pippin: Oh, yes, I do.
Merry: GAHHH! You’re SO GROSS!
Pippin: I told you you would pay for the comment about the
wig.
Geoff finally gets the introduction under control.
Pippin: Control. Heh heh.
Merry: Pippin, cut it out.
Pippin: Out. Heh heh heh.
It sounds sweet and clear played on the harp.
Merry: (as the harp) SCREEEECH, SQUEEEEEAAAAAAK!
Pippin: *puts in earplugs*
Laurel closes her eyes and listens carefully, before opening
her mouth to sing.
Her voice is mild and full with vibrato, at times gravelly
from her smoking habit.
Merry: Okay, Janis Joplin.
Pippin: What. The fuck. EVER.
She can scream and shriek when on stage during the high
of a performance and at other times she can be the mellow,
sorrowful songbird.
Merry: And at OTHER times, her voice is muffled and indistinct,
because I’ve GAGGED HER.
Pippin: With what?
Merry: *ignoring Pippin* So she’s a screaming, shrieking,
vibrating, gravel-voiced songbird. Wouldn’t that make her
NOT MILD?
Pippin: Heh heh. You said vibrating.
Merry: PIPPIN!
Pippin: What? I’m making my own fun.
By the river, a certain spirit catches her. Cole is right,
the song is appropriate.
Merry: *sarcastically* But that’s not because you’re going
to fall in love with Legolas or anything.
When she begins to sing,
Merry: Trees die, animals flee, and Sauron gets REALLY pissed.
the colors and the story of "Dream of the Archer"* spring
to life in her head,
Merry: That must hurt.
Pippin: BOOOIIINNNGGG!
and she sings with her whole being:
Pippin: (as Laurel’s feet) LALALALA!
Merry: (as Laurel’s green hair) LLLLLLLLAAAAAAAA!
Pippin: So THAT’s how you sing with your whole being. I was
wondering about that.
Merry: Do you really care?
Pippin: No.
*"Wayfaring warrior Soul-still wild the archer stands
Arrow measured to the goal-sing of strong and living man.
Merry: I’d be feeling traumatized if I wasn’t so damn bored.
Pippin: *eyelids drooping*
In his mind there is a vision wand'ring through the forest
town
Telling of riches only given if through the woods a way is
found.
Crying 'ah! Beautiful dancers, wake up from your sleep!
Ahhh gentle romancers, drink of Love so sweet!'
Both: *zzzzzzzz*
Treasure glowing in their eyes-Forest deepens dark their
dream
'Keep to the pathway' he advise 'the woods are more than they
might seem.'
'Heed you now the apparition bending never ending sounds
Calling you into her mystery-are your eyes not sparkling now?'
Sighing 'ahh! Take you no warning-make no foolish fight
Ahh, think not of morning-lie here through the Night.'
'Beauty take us!' they call 'In my arms!' they hear her say
Silken web falls-mist illusion rips away
'Helpless! Helpless!' now they scream
Helpless on the path he stands and awakens from his dream
singing string beneath his hand.
Gentle archer ages old-release the aim
Free the goal
Roll your arrow to my Soul-release the aim free the goal."*
Laurel's voice fades
Pippin: *snores*
Merry: Pip. Wake up.
Pippin: *snores*
Merry: PIPPIN!
Pippin: *sits up, startled* What? I was having a really good
dream about the time that you and I went to that place with
all the dancing hobbits…
Merry: SHUT UP!
and she looks to her brother. Geoff smirks, "Not bad.
Pippin: He’s smirking. I think Geoff might be on our side.
Merry: (as Geoff) No, it wasn’t bad… it was fucking TERRIBLE.
Pippin: How do you know? You slept through the whole thing.
Merry: I couldn’t sleep with all that racket you were making!
Pippin: So THAT’S why you won’t share a room with me anymore.
Merry: Um, yeah. That’s why.
Not bad, but we can do it better. This time Cole and I
will harmonize."
Pippin: I thought they were done singing!
Merry: The worst part is that there are 13 CHAPTERS of this
crap.
Pippin: *looks scared* Do they sing in all of them?
Merry: Well, the story IS called Rambling Band.
Pippin: Are there dancing hobbits?
Merry: No.
|