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MST
by twosungirlls
Boromir's a Big Meanie,
Part 1
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Based on "Rivendell
LOVE"
Chapter 4: What will be, Will be
Boromir: She said WHAT about me?
Aragorn: Now, Boromir, calm down.
Boromir: I will NOT calm down! Did you READ her little "comment" at the beginning?
Aragorn: Yes, I read it.
Boromir: *quotes* "Once more Boromir gets on my bad side and she despises him! What? The guys a creep! No offence to those who actually like the guy, but personally I think that he’s a ‘Gay-Pervy-Hobbit-Lover’! Not actually saying that he’s gay, or loves Hobbits! He, however, is most defiantly a Pervert."
Aragorn: Are you?
Boromir: I mean, this is just ridiculous. And it doesn’t even make sense. *in falsetto* Oh, Boromir’s a gay pervy hobbit lover, except… not gay. And… not a hobbit lover.
Aragorn: Which just leaves pervy.
Boromir: *glares at Aragorn*
Aragorn: Listen, do you want to do this or not?
Boromir: *grumbles* Fine.
~*~ Rivendell Love ~*~
Aragorn: Previously on Rivendell Love…
Boromir: That’s a stupid title.
Aragorn: Boromir, we have to do the previouslies first.
Boromir: Previously, there was a stupid title. I’m going to have Muskrat Love stuck in my head for days after this.
Aragorn: You’re just cranky because she doesn’t like you.
Boromir: Dude, previously on Rivendell Love, Nevfana had your boy sticking his hands up her shirt in public.
Aragorn: Shut up. He would never…
Boromir: Heh. Now who’s cranky?
Aragorn: *loudly* PREVIOUSLY ON RIVENDELL LOVE…
Boromir: Right. There was a Mary Sue elf called Nevfana, who acted, as usual, like a teenager. She thought she was special because she liked wearing trousers instead of dresses. And she’s Elrond’s daughter, and she’s in love with Legolas, as per usual. What’s up with that anyway?
Aragorn: *shrugs* He’s hot.
Boromir: Ohhh-k.
Aragorn: Anyway, so she shows up at the council, after having a hissyfit at Elrond because he tells her that Legolas is a big ho and will only screw other maidens.
Boromir: Well, he’s half right.
Aragorn: Heh. And hey!
Boromir: Where is Legolas, by the way? Isn’t he in this chapter too?
Aragorn: He’s in it, yeah. But he got a little… distraught after the last one of these, so I told him to take some Valium and lie down for a bit. I’m filling in for him.
Boromir: Lucky bastard.
Chapter 4
Aragorn: Bwah! Did you see the title of Chapter 1?
Boromir: *reads* "Young and Free, Fist Meetings…" FIST?
Aragorn: *laughing helplessly*
Boromir: She’ll meet my fist, all right. *practices right hook*
What will be, Will be
Boromir: And what will suck, will suck.
Aragorn: You’re a natural!
Boromir: *tries not to look pleased* I still say I’m going to hate this.
Aragorn: Nah. It’s kind of fun, once you can get past the sheer horror of it all.
~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~
~*~ Way-hey! I got reviews! ::Is jumping up n’ down!:: Thanx people, I love you so much for reviewing! I swear it isn’t all just Romance! And that’s a promise; I have to make a few ‘problems’? ::Giggles::
Boromir: No, it isn’t all just romance. It’s a lot of sappiness, trite dialogue, and cliched writing too.
Aragorn: Such variety!
well thanx again and please R/R and Don’t Sue! ~*~
We were to set out on the beginning of our journey in two months, thus giving us all time to finish any business that remained to be done.
Boromir: Riiiight. Because speed is not of the essence when dealing with the One Ring.
Legolas had decided to go back to Mirkwood the following day, so that he may inform his Father of the Council’s decision.
Aragorn: He’s trying to get away from YOU, bitch!
Boromir: *cough* Sam *cough*
Aragorn: Well, Sam has the right idea.
I was on my way to his room to say farewell, when I heard mumbled voices coming from Lord Elrond’s study, usually I would have just carried on my way, but as I heard my name mentioned I could not resist.
Aragorn: Because you’re a big nosy snoop-monster!
Boromir: Why is it that when Legolas comes into it, you turn into a twelve year old girl?
Aragorn: I do not! I would never be a twelve year old girl with Legolas. Unless he asked me to.
Boromir: Wow. Thanks for sharing.
"Nevfana cannot journey with us!" I was a man’s voice,
Both: Bwah!
and it definitely did not belong to Aragorn.
Boromir: *wearily* I wonder who it could belong to then.
Aragorn: The suspense is killing me!
Boromir: Besides, we all know it isn’t you. It would have to belong to a MAN.
Aragorn: Oh, go blow your horn.
"I see no reason why she should not?" came Elrond’s voice
Elrond: Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?
Boromir: Apparently you’re letting your daughter go with the Fellowship of the Ring.
Elrond: Arwen?
Aragorn: No. Nevfana.
Elrond: *puzzled* I don’t have a daughter named Nevfana.
Aragorn: AHA! So she’s an imposter as well!
Elrond: *whispers to Boromir* What’s his problem?
Boromir: The imposter is groping Legolas.
Elrond: Why do they always grope Legolas?
"…But she’s a girl!" protested the voice
Boromir: Please. I think I can find more valid complaints about her than that. The problem isn’t that she’s a girl.
Aragorn: No, it’s that she’s a whiney, gropey PAIN IN THE BUTT!
Boromir: Saucer of milk, table two! Reeeeooowwwwrrrrr!
"Your observational skills impress me Boromir, what is your point?"
Aragorn: Sarcasm from Elrond.
Elrond: I’m still stuck on the extra daughter thing.
"She probably cannot even fight!
Boromir: Bet you fifty of whatever currency we use that she can fight like a cave troll.
Aragorn: Why?
Boromir: Dude, she hates me. If I’m saying it? It’ll be proved false any minute now.
Aragorn: I’d like to see her face hundreds of Orcs on her own. I’d also like to see her try to do my badass sword salute first.
Boromir: That was pretty cool, yeah. I’ve been practicing it, but I just don’t have the same flair for it as you.
Aragorn: It’s all in the hips. *sashays*
She will only slow the company down!
Boromir: *sarcastically* Oh, but she’s a trouser-wearing Mary Sue! Of course she won’t slow us down! I’ll bet you another fifty that she’s speedy like an Elf.
Aragorn: She IS an Elf.
Boromir: I am so winning these bets.
I feel also that if the fellowship was to travel with her as well, some of us may yet be distracted!"
Aragorn: Yes, distracted by the need to KILL HER!
Boromir: Actually, I’m thinking it’s "distracted by the need to shtup her."
Aragorn: I don’t THINK so. The idea of Legolas being distracted by some GIRL is laughable.
Elrond: Um, you know that Legolas is bi, right?
Aragorn: Bi what? Bicoastal?
Boromir: *whispers to Elrond* I wouldn’t go there, if I were you.
Elrond: Oops, sorry.
"You speak of Legolas?"
Boromir: See?
Aragorn: Legolas is not easily distracted. From me.
Elrond: Is this supposed to be me speaking?
Boromir: Yes.
Elrond: To you?
Boromir: Yes.
Elrond: About my non-existent daughter.
Boromir: Yes.
Elrond: What the hell are we doing again?
"You think it too?"
"I do not…"
Elrond: I don’t think I’m being scripted by Tolkien at this point. Please save me.
Boromir: But this is such gripping dialogue!
Aragorn: I am indeed gripped by its gripping force!
Boromir: Observe the rapt look on my face as I wait, breathless in anticipation, for the next brilliant line to be uttered by a multi-faceted, well-developed Mary Sue! A Mary Sue who in no way makes me feel like tossing my cookies!
I could wait no longer; I knocked on the door and walked in.
Boromir: *mutters* I couldn’t see THAT coming.
Aragorn: Oh, goody. Time for the hissyfit. A 2000 year old acting like a 15 year old.
Boromir: Yay.
Boromir looked shocked upon seeing me enter,
Boromir: I’m not remotely shocked. I just SAID I could see that coming.
Aragorn: You said you couldn’t.
Boromir: I was being sarcastic.
he was sitting in an ivory carved chair wearing the same, stained, fur lined cloak and clothes as he wore at the council,
Boromir: I was fucking immaculate at that meeting!
Elrond: You know, I noticed that about you. You looked really good.
Boromir: *edges away from Elrond* Um, thanks.
this didn’t improve my impression of him at all; I knew men sometimes did not wash for days but well, this was just revolting!
Boromir: Okay, now she’s stooping to criticizing my personal hygiene. And I noticed she didn’t say anything about Queen Aragorn here, even though he’s had even fewer showers than I have.
Aragorn: Hey, enough of that Queen talk, Judas. And I’m confused. I know she said we were leaving in two months…
Boromir: Because there’s no hurry to thwart evil…
Aragorn: But do we have a timeframe here?
Boromir: No.
Aragorn: So theoretically you could have walked here straight from the council meeting.
Boromir: Yes.
Aragorn: But she thinks you should have taken a bath on the way.
Boromir: Look. She hates me. Therefore, I must be rude, unpleasant, ugly and bad-smelling.
Elrond: *sniffs* Actually, you smell gooooood.
Boromir: *raises eyebrow* Thank you.
I tried to ignore this fact as I walked confidently into the room,
Aragorn: (as Nevfana) …but the illusion of confidence was shattered as I tripped on a rug and fell flat on my face, to the amusement of all.
"What can I do for you dear daughter?" asked Elrond
Elrond: Arwen’s here?
Aragorn: No, it’s still Nevfana.
Elrond: What kind of stupid name is that anyway?
Boromir: One that the author apparently doesn’t know how to spell. Nurfana, Nevfana…
Aragorn: Oh, and all this time I thought there were two bratty Elven bitches running around. And it was always one person! Who knew?
"Well Brilyulma," I said with poise,
"I’ve heard word that some people are, how should I say, uncomfortable with me being a part of the Fellowship, as apparently I cannot fight!"
Boromir: And this is not in any way because you were LISTENING AT THE DOOR!
Aragorn: Gee, I can’t wait until the part where we find out she CAN fight.
Boromir: Yeah. See me sitting here on the edge of my seat? That’s how excited I am for that.
I glanced quickly at Boromir who looked down at his muddy boots,
Boromir: You know, I’m getting sick of this.
Aragorn: Now you’re muddy too?
Boromir: Oh, I can see what she’s doing! But it’s monstrous slander!
Elrond: *looks down* Actually, your boots look nice.
Boromir: Ummm. Right.
"I was just wondering if you could reassure everyone, and if some are still unsatisfied, I’d be happy to fight them, although it does seem childish that some people cannot take your word for me being in the Fellowship!"
Boromir: Oh, wow, she really told me. I’m still reeling from THAT verbal smackdown. I mean, having concerns about the practicalities of what’s going to be a dangerous journey… so childish!
Aragorn: It’s ok, Boromir, I know you’d beat her.
Boromir: I mean, what the hell do I care if the chick can fight?
Aragorn: You don’t.
Elrond: If this chick really were my daughter, I would have left her for dead in the forest a looooong time ago.
Elrond smiled at me,
Elrond: I am not smiling at you, you stupid wench. I am smiling at Boromir.
Boromir: *looks nervous* Uh…
"Well, I don’t think that will be much of a problem, the only person I know who is against you going, thinks that he…"
"Begging your leave, Elrond," interrupted Boromir
Elrond: Frankly, I’m considering it.
Aragorn: Considering what?
Elrond: Leaving. This is just too weird.
"Boromir? Are we finished?"
Boromir: Yes, we are. Let the ass-kicking commence!
Elrond: Oh no! Don’t say we’re finished!
Boromir: Elrond, what the hell are you talking about?
Elrond: Nothing. This is just a story, right?
"I withdraw my complaint!" he said quietly, hoping that only Elrond would hear him.
Boromir: Right. Because it makes perfect sense that Nevfana would know Boromir’s thoughts.
Elrond: Yes. Perfect sense.
Aragorn: You shouldn’t have withdrawn your complaint. You should have drawn your sword and KICKED HER ARSE!
Elrond nodded and he turned leave.
"What complaint was that?" I asked fighting hard to loose the smug look I felt creeping up on my face.
Boromir: She’s fighting hard to "loose" it?
Aragorn: She’s trying to release it, I think. The smugness. She wants to loose it and allow it to wreak havoc upon Middle-Earth.
Boromir: Take THAT, Sauron! Your armies of Orcs don’t stand a chance against SMUGNESS! MUAHAHAHA!
"Nothing of importance, Lady," he bowed to me then left the room.
Boromir: Yayy! I’m gone!
Aragorn: You’ll be back.
Boromir: Crap.
Aragorn: Dude, I’m telling you, you should’ve just killed her on the spot.
Boromir: You just want me to do your dirty work!
"Well, Nurfana," said Elrond smiling at me, "You seemed to handle that one better than me!"
Elrond: I DON’T THINK SO.
Boromir: How? By BEING A RUDE COW?
Elrond: Why do I have to keep smiling at her? It’s not fair. I want her to hate me too.
Boromir: Why?
Elrond: Because I’m being misrepresented as having a multitude of Elf daughters and approving of their ridiculous behavior.
Aragorn: Oh, don’t worry about it. At least you’re not supposed to be shagging her. Unlike some people’s BOYFRIENDS.
"I did not mean to interrupt,
Boromir: You didn’t mean to? Well, you did.
but however since it was me he was talking about…"
Elrond raised his hand to silence me. "It is of no importance now," his eyes started sparkling,
Elrond: It’s the tears of frustration.
Aragorn: I thought it was the sparkly mascara. You stole it from Sauron, didn’t you?
Elrond: No, they had it on sale at Middle Earth Drug and Sundries last week. Two for one. Arwen sent me to buy some for her, and they had it in purple, so I just picked up a little something for me too. *looks at Aragorn and Boromir* What! Is that so wrong?
"You’d better hurry if you are expecting to say goodbye to a certain Elf,"
Elrond: That, and you better get the hell out of my sight before I crack open a can of whupass. Legolas isn’t the only one who can bring the Elvish Smackdown, you know.
I stared at him then grinned, "Not Goodbye!" I said as I left the room.
Elrond: *disgusted* Okay, that’s it, I can’t take it anymore.
Boromir: You’re leaving?
Elrond: Yes. It’s the trite cheesiness of it all. I feel… saturated by it.
Aragorn: Okay. Boromir and I will finish up here.
Elrond: I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!
Boromir: Dude, we get it.
Elrond: Except Arwen.
Aragorn: Uh-huh.
Elrond: Are they all this bad?
Aragorn: More or less.
Elrond: Excuse me while I go sharpen my arrows.
*
"Nurfana!" called Legolas
I hurried up to the stables, my heart beating against my chest.
Aragorn: What? Do you wear your heart in your shirt pocket?
"Legolas," I said when I’d arrived, some of Legolas’ companions looked at me and smiled at one another.
Legolas’s companions: Hey, who’s that silly bint who keeps following Legolas around? Should we tell her he’s banging Aragorn?
I knew that they, along with everyone else who saw me, were noting the fact that I was, as always, in pants rather than skirt.
Aragorn: Let me get this straight. All these elves, including the chick, have known each other for a couple of thousand years, right?
Boromir: Yup.
Aragorn: But after a couple of thousand years, people are still noticing that she wears pants?
Boromir: Sure they are! Because she’s the wacky trouser-wearing Mary Sue! So spunky and loved by all!
Aragorn: Riiiiight.
I looked over at them and they turned away.
Grabbing my hand Legolas pulled me away out of ear shot and spoke, "I though I would not see you before I left!"
Aragorn: (as Legolas) I hoped and I prayed that I wouldn’t see you, but you found me! Curse it all!
"Would I ever let you leave without saying, goodbye?"
Aragorn: Apparently not.
Boromir: Poor Legolas.
"Never goodbye!" He grinned at me; "It’s a shame that I have to leave you so soon after arriving!"
Aragorn: (as Legolas) Yes, a crying shame. See my tears of grief? Oh, sorry, that’s just my eyes bleeding. My mistake.
Boromir: I KNEW it!
Aragorn: What?
Boromir: Told you it was no time from the council to the meeting with Elrond!
Aragorn: So?
Boromir: So, how dare she harp on my stinky clothes?
Aragorn: I thought Elrond said you smelled nice.
Boromir: You know, you’re right. What’s up with that?
"I’ll be here when you get back!" I smiled at him
Aragorn: Not if I have anything to say about it.
Boromir: (as Legolas) Back? Who said anything about coming back?
"Then I will have to hurry so you don’t get lonely!"
Aragorn: I think I might have to retch on Legolas’s behalf.
Boromir: That’s twue wuv, right there.
"Me, lonely? Not with Haearan pestering me ever time she sees me, and the fact that my friend Thinnil keeps giving me her ‘knowing’ looks!"
Aragorn: (as Haearan) Nevfana, that Elf really sets off my gaydar.
Boromir: (as Nevfana) Haearan, stop pestering me!
Aragorn: (as Thinnil) No, she’s right. I caught him making out with Aragorn on the bridge earlier.
Boromir: (as Nevfana) Oh, you’re just jealous!
He laughed and wrapped his arms around me, bringing me closer.
Aragorn: *covers eyes with hands* LALALALA! I’M NOT LOOKING! I’M NOT LOOKING!
I looked up into his eyes; locked in his gaze I moved my head up to his. Our lips brushed and I felt my body start to tingle.
Boromir: You know, they have lotion for that.
Aragorn: I bet she has the shingles.
Boromir: Wow, I almost feel sorry for her.
Aragorn: Yeah, me too.
Boromir: You feel sorry for Nevfana? Really?
Aragorn: Nevfana? I was talking about Legolas.
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