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MST
by twosungirlls
Legolas Brings the
Smackdown, Part 2
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She didn’t get any time to answer his questions and she was grateful. Two Hobbits were clearing their throats and one of them tapping a spoon on his goblet.
" Ahem. Good afternoon everyone. My name is Pippin and this is Merry." He said. Melody laughed a little as did everyone else they were so cute.
Gandalf: See? Garden gnomes.
" I, I mean we would like to share a few jokes. Okay what do you call a fairy who doesn’t take a shower?" He paused for a while before saying the answer. " Stinkerbell!" He said and started laughing. Melody couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
Legolas: *cringes* Garden gnomes with really bad jokes.
Gandalf: I’m just glad Merry and Pippin aren’t here to see this.
" What is white and fluffy?" Merry said.
" A blanket!" Arwen said who was getting into the mood.
" Nope."
" A dove!" Arwen said or more like squeaked excitedly.
Legolas: Elves don’t squeak!
" Nope. It’s a White piece of fluff!"
Everyone started to laugh.
Legolas: I am choosing to read that, everyone started to barf.
Everyone: Yup. *barfing*
They finished their lunch while Pippin and Merry told more funny jokes.
Legolas: More? What do you mean more?
Gandalf: Wait, I have one.
Legolas: Okay…
Gandalf: Knock-knock!
Legolas: Who’s there?
Gandalf: Melody.
Legolas: *shoots arrow at door*
Gandalf: *dodges arrow* You know, there was a PUNCHLINE to that joke. And what did I tell you about trying to kill her?
Legolas: My bad.
Melody couldn’t remember the last time she had laughed so much.
Legolas: I can.
Gandalf: That time…
Legolas: With the mermaid!
Gandalf: And the sharks!
Both: *laughing hysterically again*
She was red and had tears coming out of her eyes because she had laughed so much. She forgot that she was supposed to be angry with Legolas and even smiled at him!
Gandalf: Oh, the horror, the horror!
Legolas: Well, it’s pretty horrifying to me.
He smiled back and that was when she realised just how damn good he looked.
Legolas: Nooooooo!
Gandalf: That’s what you get for being so pretty. She’s falling for you.
Legolas: *shrieking*
She spent a lot of time during desert watching him.
Legolas: How did we get to a desert from Rivendell?
Gandalf: *sings* I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name.
Legolas: *stares at him* Don’t make me make Lyric jokes.
She couldn’t help it. She noticed though that when she was not looking at him he was watching her.
Legolas: How do you know, if you weren’t looking at me?
She wasn’t sure though if she liked him watching her. He seemed nice though.
Gandalf: Nice? At this point, you’ve shot her, choked her and pushed her into a pond.
Legolas: Go me!
After lunch she went back to her room and just sat on her bed and read. When she had done enough reading she decided to go for a walk.
Legolas: *sarcastic* Wow, that was a fascinating little vignette. She read. She got bored. She walked.
Gandalf: Give me more!
She found a place that she liked a lot. It was a little balcony coming out and it overlooked a little garden. The sun was down and the sky was navy blue. She had been reading for so long that she lost track of time. She leant on the railings of the balcony and looked out at the few stars there were in the sky. She saw Undomiel the one that Arwen was named after.
" Hello." Came a voice from behind Melody.
Gandalf: Bet you that’s you.
She jumped a little in fright and turned and saw that it was Legolas.
Gandalf: Ha. Told you.
Legolas: Yup. Hey, bitch! *aims arrow*
Gandalf: Will you stop with that, already? You’re so arrow-happy.
Legolas: Aragorn doesn’t mind.
Gandalf: I really could have lived without knowing that.
" Oh you scared me.
Legolas: Yesss!
Hello." She said as she turned around again and continued to look at the stars.
" Can I join you?" he asked.
" Whatever." She said not caring.
Gandalf: Oh, rubbish. She stares at you all the way through the desert and now she doesn’t care?
Legolas: Please. Let her not care. Please. *crosses fingers* Let her go bother Boromir.
Boromir: I HEARD THAT!
Legolas came and leant
Gandalf: Leant? NOT A WORD. Okay? Got that?
on the balcony in the same fashion as Melody and looked at the stars. " Mor is brighter then usual tonight." He said softly.
Gandalf: More Harry Potter rip-offs.
Legolas: Huh?
Gandalf: *quotes* "Mars is bright tonight." You’re not really into original come-ons, are you?
Legolas: Is that a point on your hat or are you just happy to see me?
" Huh?" Melody said looking at him.
" That one over there." He said pointing to a dim star.
Legolas: Dim, like Melody.
Gandalf: Good one.
Legolas: Are you being sarcastic?
Gandalf: *sarcastically* Noooo.
" It is usually darker."
" Oh." Melody said still looking at him. He wore elvan clothes witch were a greeny colour.
Legolas: I’ve never seen so many words spelled wrong in one sentence.
Gandalf: Well, we haven’t finished reading yet.
Legolas: Good point, old man.
Gandalf: Shut up, whippersnapper.
He turned around and looked at her. Melody felt a bit uncomfortable. " We haven’t exactly met formally. I mean we don’t know each other really." She said.
Legolas: Fine by me!
" I know who you are." He replied softly still staring at her.
Legolas: Yes, you’re that bitch who keeps trying to kill me!
Gandalf: I think you started it.
Legolas: I think I’m going to finish it too.
Gandalf: I told you! You can’t kill her until the very end!
Melody bit her lower lip. She was really nervous she didn’t like it being quiet. She held out her hand. " Anyway I’m Melody."
Legolas took her hand a shook it. " I’m Legolas Greenleaf from Mirkwood."
" Legolas Greenleaf." She repeated. Why does the name sound familiar? She thought Legolas Greenleaf. Legolas Greenleaf. Legolas. Greenleaf. Mirkwood.
Gandalf: I can practically hear the wheels turning.
Legolas: (as the wheels) *trying to turn* Squeeeeeaaak!
Omigod. Legolas, Greenleaf Mirkwood! Legolas Greenleaf Prince of Mirkwood!! " You’re Thranduil’s Son!?" she said in high voice.
Legolas: My head is spinning. Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood. Yes. Correct.
Legolas stoped shaking her hand smiled a bit and nodded.
Gandalf: This sentence could read: Legolas stopped shaking. Her hand smiled a bit and nodded.
Legolas: Well, I haven’t stopped shaking. I’m about to start running. Or shooting.
"Well don’t expect me to say sorry for attacking you when you attacked me, threatening to kill you, pushing you into the water and slapping you just because you’re a prince."
Legolas: How about doing it just because you’re a rude bratty pain in my butt like granite?
Gandalf: Who can’t punctuate.
Legolas laughed, " Fine by me." He said and looked back into the sky.
Melody looked at him again. She noticed that he had a quiver full of arrows on his back and he had his bow in his hands.
" Why have you got you’re weapons with you? We’re in Rivendell. Nothing can go wrong." She said.
Legolas: I’ll tell you why! *aims at Melody*
Gandalf: *rolls eyes* Here we go again.
" I know. I feel safer though with them."
"You can’t even use one properly. I took your bow right out of your hands.’ She laughed.
Legolas: And for that, you must die.
Gandalf: This really isn’t fair. She’s making you both a prick and a wuss.
Legolas: *mutters* Now where are my knives?…
" Excuse me," Legolas said with his eyes wide opened, " I happen to be one of the best archers in Mirkwood!"
Gandalf: And an egomaniac.
Legolas: Don’t start with me. I’m on a hair trigger as it is.
" I’d hate to see the archers in Mirkwood then." She teased laughing more.
Gandalf: And they’d hate to see you too, trust me.
" You disappeared right in front of my eyes then appeared again I was shocked. How did you do that?"
" I’m a witch."
Gandalf: *sings* She’s a witch queeeeen… of New Orleans.
Legolas: *sings without enthusiasm* A-reebareebavoodoobop…
Gandalf: *sings* She put a spell on yoooou.
Legolas: You know, I’m quite sure she meant bitch, not witch.
Gandalf: Well, I wouldn’t put it past her to spell it wrong.
Legolas: *nods* Fine. Bitch it is, then.
" Oh… a witch."
Legolas: Bitch.
Legolas said looking at her surprised.
"You’re an elf. All of my elders told me that elves were not to be associated with and other things like that. But elves are nothing like I was told. Although the part where they go around tricking people was right." She said smiling at the last sentence.
Legolas: You know, even in this story, I haven’t tricked her.
Gandalf: Right. You shot her and stabbed her and strangled her…
Legolas: She really is a witch.
Gandalf: …and pushed her into a pool.
Legolas: But I didn’t trick her. This is highly libelous.
Gandalf: You two are about to get it on. The accusations of libel are the least of your worries.
Legolas: *looks terrifed*
" Yes. You’re nothing like what I expected a witch to be." Legolas said laughing.
Legolas: For one thing, you’re much uglier.
Gandalf: She’s really making you look like an idiot, isn’t she?
Legolas: Shut. UP.
Gandalf: She’s also making you look naïve.
Legolas: Right. Because I’m over 3000 years old and I’ve never ever met a witch before.
Gandalf: You’re a sheltered immortal.
" So you have powers?"
"Yes. Let’s have a competition.
Legolas: Oh, RIGHT. Good plan. A competition. Wow. Now that’s romantic and witty.
Gandalf: I’m sure she stole it from somewhere.
I’ll use my magic and you can use your bow."
Legolas: FINALLY!
Gandalf: You can’t kill her yet.
Legolas: But she told me I could use my bow!
Gandalf: Take a pill, okay?
"Okay what do we have to do."
" Okay you see that statue there. You have to shoot an arrow through the lady’s arm hit that curved stone thing after it so it turns around and starts coming back. Then the arrow has to go thru the branches of that tree collecting a few leaves before coming straight back to me and missing my neck narrowly."
Gandalf: It is stolen. This is from the Narnia books. Prince Caspian.
Legolas: Exactly that?
Gandalf: Not precisely. But stupid shooting contests, yes.
" you expect me to do all that?" Legolas said laughing.
Legolas: Namely, you expect me to miss you?
Gandalf: *warningly* Legolas…
" Yes. If you’re as good as you saw you are you should be able to."
" Okay. And what are you going to do?"
"The same thing."
" And where’s you’re bow?"
"I don’t need a bow. I have magic."
Gandalf: Oh, right, your MAGIC. We forgot.
Legolas: Silly us.
"Okay. And what do I get when I win?" Legolas said with a smirk.
Legolas: I don’t smirk.
Gandalf: Hmph.
Legolas: I DON’T.
" Well when I win you can do something like making breakfast for me while where on our journey." Melody said with an evil grin.
Legolas: I knew she was evil. Now she’s grinning evilly.
Gandalf: And forcing you to cook.
Legolas: Oh, yes, that’s a very evil request.
Gandalf: Yes, she’s clearly a wild one.
Legolas: A real loose cannon.
" Okay."
Legolas: Yesss! *fits arrow to string*
Gandalf: I told you, you can’t kill her yet!
Legolas steadied his arrow on his bow
Legolas: *aiming at Melody*
Gandalf: NOOOO, LEGOLAS! *grabs bow at the last second and aims away from Melody*
and there was a twang sound as he let it.
Legolas: *crying with frustration* Damn you! She would have been DEAD by now!
The arrow moved through the air. Melody tried to keep her eyes on it but it was a to fast. She felt a strong breeze rush past her neck and then a thud. She turned around and saw an arrow with a few leaves sticking out of it in the pillar behind her.
Legolas: *sobbing* So… close…
She turned around and saw a look of satisfaction on Legolas’s face.
Legolas: I don’t think so.
Gandalf: *sings* I can’t get no satisfaction…
" Alright. My turn."
She took one of Legolas’s arrows and aimed. She then thru it like it was a paper plane. It whizzed by and then she felt the same kind of feeling before go past her neck. She turned around and saw that her arrow had hit split Legolas’s arrow.
Gandalf: HA! This is from Robin Hood. Arrow splitting.
Legolas: You really should consider getting a life.
She turned around and gave a sweet smile to Legolas. He smiled to.
" You’re pretty good."
Legolas: Pretty good in the sense of, not good at all.
He said and rested his bow on the railing.
" Okay we’re both equally good."
" Nope. I’m better than you." Melody said.
Legolas: How old are you, you little brat? Thirteen?
" I can show you something that I’m good at." Legolas said with a smile on his face.
Legolas: Yeah, want to watch me give a blowjob to my boyfriend?
Gandalf: Sure.
Legolas: *stares* I was talking to the Mary Sue.
Gandalf: *turns red* Right. I knew that.
" What." Melody asked " I think I’m better than you in everything."
Legolas: Not at this, you aren’t.
She said lifting her eyebrows superiorly.
Legolas: Ha! *sings* I can do anything better than you can, I can do anything better than you.
Gandalf: *sings* No, you can’t!
Legolas: *sings* Yes, I can!
Gandalf: *sings* No, you can’t!
Legolas: *sings* Yes, I can!
Gandalf: *sings* No, you can’t!
Legolas: *sings* Yes, I can! Yes, I caaaaaan!
Gandalf: And now she’s stealing from Annie Get Your Gun. This is low.
And besides, how does one lift their eyebrows superiorly? *tries it*
Legolas: Stop that. You’re scaring me.
Legolas laughed, " Close your eyes."
" Ahh ahh you’re gonna play a trick on me." She said shaking her head.
Legolas: I just tried to shoot you a few paragraphs back, and you’re worried about me playing TRICKS on you?
" I won’t just close your eyes."
Legolas: No, I won’t just close your eyes. I’ll put them out!
Gandalf: I think you’re overreacting.
Legolas: *whines* C’mon, Gandalf, PLEASE let me shoot her!
Gandalf: *looks forbidding* Legolas Greenleaf! Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!
Legolas: *rolls eyes* Uh-huh.
Melody gave him a look and then closed her eyes the next thing she knew was that one of his hands were behind her neck the other around her body.
Gandalf: (as Melody) Why, Legolas, what big hands you have!
Legolas: *clenching hands* Now I just need to twist them in one quick motion...
His lips were on top of her own and he started to kiss her passionately. He coaxed her mouth open and his tongue stated to play around with her tongue.
Legolas: GAHHHH! *begins retching violently*
Gandalf: *silently hands bucket to Legolas*
He heard her moan as he continued to kiss her. Oh ya you’re good! Was all that Melody could think of as he kissed her.
Gandalf: "Ya, you’re, like, rilly good! Totally!"
Legolas: Oh, man, I’m gonna hurl again.
Her arms were around his neck and she felt like she was going to fall.
Legolas: Or, be pushed.
Legolas all of a sudden pulled away and turned around his arms still around her.
Legolas: I’m double jointed, you know.
Melody was panting slightly from lack of air.
Legolas: That’s because I’m cutting off her windpipe.
Gandalf: You’re pretty violent.
Legolas: Listen. If she were writing about YOU kissing her, you’d use your staff faster than I could say "Mary Sue."
Gandalf: "Use my staff?" That’s just disgusting.
She looked over Legolas’s shoulder and saw Boromir walking towards them. She quickly let Legolas go and he did the same. Legolas walked up to them obviously not knowing that he had just interrupted something.
Legolas: Legolas walked up to them?
Gandalf: I think she means Boromir.
Legolas: Can’t it be the other way around? Please?
Gandalf: I think it’s a mistake.
Legolas: YOU’RE DAMNED RIGHT, IT’S A MISTAKE!
Gandalf: I meant, it’s a typo.
" Elrond would like to speak with you."
Legolas: (as Elrond) STOP DEFILING THE ELVES OF MIDDLE-EARTH!
He said to Melody. " Are you alright? You look like you haven’t breathed before in you’re life."
Legolas: (as Boromir) Oh, I see. Legolas is choking you.
Gandalf: So what, Boromir’s the butler now?
Legolas: They never know what to do with the whole crew.
Gandalf: No, it’s always, ‘I wanna shag Legolas’ and everyone else becomes furniture.
Legolas: Jealous?
Gandalf: You’re kissing MELODY.
Legolas: Wait, you’re right! I’M jealous! Please, let me be furniture!
Legolas laughed a little
Legolas: Hahaha! The Mary Sue infected me with her Mary Sue germs! Hahahaha!
Gandalf: Are you okay? You seem a little, um, strange.
Legolas: Hahaha!
and looked at her and smiled. She smiled back at him as Borormir led her towards Elrond’s office.
Gandalf: I don’t think Elrond has an office.
Legolas: *sigh* This was depressing. At least the stories about the Fellowship in high school are original.
Gandalf: Yeah… in a Sweet Valley Dawson’s Middle Earth 90210 kind of way.
Legolas: Is there any chance that we can turn this into the Rivendell Strangler story?
Gandalf: You? Need help.
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