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MST
by twosungirlls
Legolas Brings the
Smackdown, Part 1
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Based on "Morwen
(Daughter of Darkness)"
Chapter 6: OK i like you
Legolas: I don’t think I can do this.
Gandalf: Legolas, you can’t run and hide in a corner every
time you’re in a story.
Legolas: *whines * But I’m in ALL of them!
Gandalf: Well, that’s what you get for being so good at archery.
Legolas: Listen. It’s not that I have a problem with being
written with women. You know the door swings both ways with
me. But these women are ALWAYS Mary Sues!
Gandalf: I don’t think Aragorn’s too happy about it either.
Legolas: He’ll get over it. After all, he doesn’t have to
read them. But I do! It could take years to undo the damage
this is going to cause. I can tell right now.
Gandalf: *mutters under breath* Wuss.
Legolas: Hey! I heard that!
Gandalf: AHEM. Moving right along! Previously on Morwen, Daughter
of Darkness…
Legolas: *groans* Do we need to rehash this?
Gandalf: Well, we have to tell people what’s already happened.
Legolas: Fine. *sulks*
Gandalf: So, previously, on Morwen, Daughter of Darkness,
Melody is the daughter of Sauron’s right-hand wizard…
Legolas: Sauron has no hands. Sauron needs no hands.
Gandalf. Shut up. It’s in the story. So. Being noble, she
runs away to join the Fellowship of the Ring, and in a blatant
Harry Potter rip off, declares that she will apparate home
when necessary, only she gets randomly attacked by Legolas,
who proceeds to act like a prick.
Legolas: Hey!
Gandalf: You do. You also act like a fifteen-year-old. But
she acts like a spoiled brat.
Legolas: Oooohhh! Do I get to use the Elvish Smackdown?
Gandalf: Please do.
Legolas: Boo-yah!
Gandalf: Just don’t kill her yet, okay? Not until the end
of the story.
Legolas: Mmmhmm.
Gandalf: *looks suspicious* Something tells me I might need
to keep an eye on you… Anyway, there’s also a lot of stuff
about what she’s wearing and how pretty she is. And in a blatant
Romeo and Juliet rip-off, she makes you fall into a fountain,
and in a blatant Pride and Prejudice rip-off, you’re proud,
she’s prejudiced and, as anyone can see, you’re going to fall
in love. *stares at Legolas* What the hell are you doing?
Legolas: Practicing my "Sit down, bitch!" face.
Gandalf: Oh. Right then. Carry on.
The light of the sun came in thru the windows and landed
on Melody’s face.
Gandalf: Ouch.
Legolas: (as the light of the sun) Take that, you plagiarist!
*whack* And THAT!
She stirred slightly in her bed. A knock came on the door
before it opened. A maid came in carrying a white dress.
Gandalf: Too bad it’s not a white straitjacket.
Legolas: A white dress? Oooohhh, are they sacrificing the
virgin?
Gandalf: You’re sick.
" Milady." She whispered softly as she shook Melody gently.
Legolas: (as the maid) WAKE UP, BITCH!
" Milady, Mithrandir wishes to speak with you. He asked
that you would be awoken and join him."
Legolas: Mithrandir?
Gandalf: *heavily* I think she means me.
Legolas: You don’t speak like that.
Gandalf: "Thusly, I would ask that you would be awoken and
that you would be bitchslapped henceforth."
Melody opened her eyes and leant on her elbows looking
groggily up at the elven maid.
" What?"
" Mithrandir asked me to get you ready. He wishes to speak
with you."
Gandalf: No, I really don’t.
1 " Oh. You mean Gandalf"
The made nodded and the maid motioned for Melody to follow
her.
Legolas: Wait, where did the made come from?
Melody got up and the made her way to the bathroom to get
ready.
Legolas: I’m confused. The made her way.
Gandalf: Is this the same made she was supposed to be following?
Legolas: And what happened to the *maid*?
Gandalf: Is it just me, or is Melody smoking the finest weed
in the Shire?
Half an hour later Melody left her room and walked in the
direction that she was told to go.
Legolas: (as Melody) I don’t get it. They told me to walk
in this direction, so what am I doing in this broom closet?
HEY! HEY, WHO LOCKED THE DOOR? LET ME OUT!
She found a door and knocked. " Come in." was the muffled
voice she heard in reply.
Gandalf: Half an hour? She took half an hour?
Legolas: That’s just rude.
She opened the door to find Gandalf sitting in a chair.
The room he was in was much like her own one.
"Hello." Melody said. She smiled at him and walked over to
him and sat on the bed.
Gandalf: Get off my bed, bitch.
Legolas: (as Gandalf) You’re half an hour late.
Gandalf: I’m going to turn you into a toad.
Legolas: She said earlier that she had more powers than you.
Gandalf: *outraged* I am DEFINITELY going to turn you into
a toad. Or possibly a ferret.
Legolas: *arrow on string* Can you turn her into an Orc? Please?
" Hello Melody. Are you ready for joining young Frodo
on his quest to distroy the ring?"
Legolas: *groans* WHY do the Mary Sues always join the Fellowship?
Why, God, WHY?
Gandalf: And it’s "to join," dimwit.
Legolas: Dis Troy the Ring? What did Troy ever do to her?
Gandalf: I think she means destroy.
Legolas: I really hate this story.
" Yes. Do you know when we are to leave?"
" It is up to Elrond. Does your parents know you are here?"
Legolas: (as Melody) Duh. I left a note on the fridge.
Melody rolled her eyes. " Mother knows but my father does
not."
Legolas: (as Melody) Oh, Mom knows, but stupid Dad’s too busy
watching the playoffs to have figured out that I’m on my way
to Mt. Doom. He never pays me any attention! My home life
is so traumatizing!
Gandalf: Why is it that, in these stories, everyone is stupid
except the Mary Sue?
Legolas: Hey, at least you’re just stupid. I’m careless, a
bad fighter and an asshole.
Gandalf: In addition to being stupid.
Legolas: Plus, I have to get it on with her, don’t I? I don’t
think I can take this.
" Orpheus. It has been a while since I have seen him.
He has taken the mind of Sarumon as well."
Gandalf: I thought she said in the first chapter that her
father’s name was Severus.
Legolas: *shrugs* Maybe he has multiple personality disorder.
Gandalf: Wait a second. Who the hell is Sarumon?
" Really? He is on the dark side as well.
Gandalf: (as Melody) And even though he is Sauron’s right
hand wizard, he isn’t powerful enough to notice that I’m gone.
Legolas: (as Melody) And it’s not like Sauron himself would
notice, what with being a BIG EYE and all.
I thought he was strong like you. I know all of the other
wizards and witches were either scared or they wanted power
as well. That’s why they turned to the dark side."
Gandalf: *James Earl Jones voice* Melody, I AM YOUR FATHER.
Legolas: (as Melody) Nooo! I’ll never follow you!
Both: *fighting with pretend light sabres*
" Yes. That is true. But Sarumon believes that we will
fall if we do not join Sauron."
Gandalf: Why is Saruman being brought into it? Is he her father
too?
Legolas: Beats me.
Gandalf: This makes no sense.
Legolas: It’s Harry Pride and Romeo of the Rings. You expect
it to make sense?
Gandalf: Shut up. Go bang your Mary Sue.
Legolas: I swear, if you weren’t immortal and more powerful
than me, I’d kick your ass.
Melody looked at the floor. She felt bad talking about
her father this way.
Legolas: (as Melody) Stop making fun of my daddy! Just because
he’s evil and treacherous and beats me with a spatula doesn’t
mean I don’t love him!
Gandalf sensed that she did not want to continue on with
this conversation.
Legolas: You’re a very perceptive man.
Gandalf: Yes, I could tell by the way she kept talking and
looking at the floor.
Legolas: You could tell that she felt bad?
Gandalf: No, just that she should be forced to stop talking.
Legolas: Good call.
" Have you made with friends with anyone in the fellowship?
Legolas: Well, I wouldn’t say, "made friends."
Gandalf: They all hate you and want to see you eaten alive
by rabid weasels, more like.
I know that you know Aragorn."
Legolas: (as Gandalf) And he’s a bit studly, but he’s taken.
Okay? Taken.
Gandalf: And keep your grotty little hands off the hobbits.
Especially Frodo.
Legolas: (as Gandalf) Sam will kill you if you try anything.
Gandalf: And the elf is mi… I mean, he’s… not interested.
Legolas: *looks at Gandalf for a moment* Gandalf, you do realize,
this thing with Aragorn? Kinda serious.
Gandalf: *embarrassed* Hrmph. No, I was going to say. The
elf is mi…ghty. In battle.
Legolas: Uh-huh.
" Not really. Gandalf you’ve travelled a lot. Can you
tell be about elves?"
Gandalf: Great. She’s bratty AND unable to blow her nose.
Legolas: What?
Gandalf: *talks as though with a stuffed nose* I bean, dot
to be dasty about a person with a probleb, but take a pill.
Legolas: You should really stop making fun of her, and tell
her about the Elves.
Gandalf: Quite right. Well, young Melody, they’re the oldest,
wisest, and fairest of all of the races of Middle-Earth, and
they hate Mary Sues. In fact, they REALLY hate Mary Sues named
Melody. Especially stupid ones. They have ancient magic that
ensures that all stupid Mary Sues named Melody are eaten alive
by rabid weasels.
Legolas: Go us!
Her thoughts were running onto Legolas.
Legolas: Ow! Damn those thoughts. They keep whacking me straight
in the knees.
Gandalf: That’s because her thoughts are teeny-tiny.
Her father and the wizards who taught her magic told her
that you should never trust elves.
Gandalf: Yeah, because Sauron’s right hand wizard? There’s
a man you can trust.
Legolas: She’s right, though. Oi! Melody! Never ever trust
us! We’re very untrustworthy! Which means that you really
have no desire to shag any of us! Especially me!
They apparently used people to there advantage
Gandalf: *sighs* THEIR, not THERE. Should I even bother correcting
her grammar?
Legolas: Sure. I assume that "correcting her grammar" involves
a few whacks on the ole noggin with your staff.
Gandalf: You betcha.
and tricked people a lot, Legolas could fit that description
well.
Legolas: What the hell happened to the wisest and fairest
of all?
Gandalf: (as Gollum) He trickses us, my preciousss!
Melody never really did believe this though. One because
her mother told her that they were really beautiful and nice
and two wizard and witches didn’t really get on with elves.
Gandalf: We don’t?
Legolas: I don’t know if that’s better or worse. *grumbles*
Beautiful and nice.
Gandalf: I’m confused. Since when, exactly, do wizards and
Elves not get along?
Legolas: *sobs* You hate me! Just admit it!
They used to be allies but grew apart. The elves thought
that witches and wizards were evil
Gandalf: *sarcastically* Yeah. That makes a lot of sense.
There’s every reason in the world why we’d think that.
Legolas: *practices sit down bitch face again*
and because of that her people hated them.
Legolas: What? No, we don’t. Hello? Galadriel? Elf-witch!
Gandalf: Do you think I’m evil?
Legolas: Well... not because you’re a wizard.
Her father told her that they thought that they were the
most superior beings on middle earth.
Legolas: I thought the whole point was that we ARE. And, since
you mention it…*preens*
Gandalf: No wonder we hate you.
" Why do you want to know?"
" I don’t know. The elves I’ve seen here aren’t like what
everyone tells me."
Gandalf: (as Melody) They don’t look anything like the elves
on the Keebler boxes!
Legolas: (as Melody) And every time I tell them what I want
from Santa this Christmas, they just look at me all funny.
Hmph.
"No they aren’t like what you have heard. I expect that
your mother told you about how Elves really are."
Legolas: We’re untrustworthy! And evil! And we’re really bad
in bed!
" Yeah she did."
Legolas: Well, then, it’s not really EVERYONE telling you,
is it?
Gandalf: And if you’ve already got the good stuff, why are
you badgering me, you fluffy adolescent nitwit?
" Talking about your mother how is Rose?"
Legolas: Rose? What is this, Titanic? (as Rose) You jump,
I jump, right?
Gandalf: And would it kill you to add a comma here and there?
" She’s fine.
Legolas: (as Melody) Yeah, she’s doing alright. She’s going
on Jerry Springer tomorrow. "Evil right-hand wizards of Sauron,
and the women who love them." Right mummy?
Gandalf: (as Rose) What are you doing here? Didn’t I drown
you at birth?
Well fine really isn’t it. I think she wants to go back
to our castle by the sea."
Gandalf: (As Rose) No, actually, I like the doublewide better.
Legolas: *singsong* Melody’s white traaash! Melody’s white
traaash!
" Hasn’t she been there to see her people?"
"No. She wants to go back but she doesn’t want to leave me
or take me with her.
Legolas: You got the last part right.
She’s afraid a shark or something might eat me.
Gandalf: *laughing hysterically* Oh, yeah, I’m sure she’s
REALLY afraid of THAT.
Legolas: *rolling around on the floor laughing*
But I really want to go. I mean I can change into a mermaid
like her so I could go with her but she wont let me."
Both: WHAT THE FUCK?
Gandalf: *gasping for breath* She’s a mermaid! A MARY SUE
MERMAID!
Legolas: *clutching sides* Bwah! Ahaha! Ow! Stop! I can’t
take this anymore!
Both: *crying with laughter*
Melody sighed and thought. Her great- great- great grandmother
was a mermaid and met a wizard. She became a witch and married
him but she was still able to change into a mermaid any time
she wished.
Gandalf: Yes. Because this is the logical progression of things.
All of her children and grandchildren were able to change
into mermaids as well.
Legolas: *still laughing* I think I’m going to pee my britches!
That’s how she was able to change. She thought that of
the first time she transformed when she was 5 years old and
how happy her mother was.
Gandalf: Yeah. (as Rose) She’s finally able to transform!
Now the sharks can have a go at her!
Legolas: Is there any point in the ACTUAL story at which her
being a fucking mermaid would actually be handy?
Gandalf: *thinks* No. We don’t do a lot of sea bathing. It’s
more running and screaming.
She was brought out of her thoughts when the hobbit Sam
came in.
Both: NO! MELODY, STAY IN YOUR THOUGHTS!
" Em…sorry if I’m interrupting but Lord Elrond asked me
to tell you that he would like the members of the fellowship
to join him for lunch right now."
Legolas: What, Sam’s the butler now?
Gandalf: Well, he was Frodo’s gardener.
Legolas: *sarcastically* Yeah, same thing. Butler, gardener,
whatever.
Melody smiled at Sam and stood up. "Come Gandalf." She
said.
Gandalf: Did I just hear a Mary Sue tell me what to do? *raises
staff*
Legolas: Orc! Orc! Orc!
" Melody you go on with Sam. I just need to do something
and then I’ll come."
Gandalf: Ew. I most certainly will NOT.
Legolas: She meant, come to DINNER. What are you, 12?
" Okay."
She walked out of the door and walked beside Sam.
" Hello. I don’t believe we’ve met properly." She said kindly
to him.
Gandalf: Why does she have to be kind to Sam?
Legolas: You know, they all make him sound pathetic.
Gandalf: And you, like a prick.
Legolas: And you like a dotty old man.
Gandalf: And Gimli evil.
Legolas: And Aragorn snotty and bad tempered.
Gandalf: And Boromir a ho.
Legolas: And Arwen like a groupie.
Gandalf: And Frodo really wussy.
Legolas: And Merry and Pippin garden gnomes.
Gandalf: I really hate badfic writers.
Sam looked up and smiled and held up his hand. " I’m Sam
Gamgee."
Melody took his hand and shook it. " I’m Melody. Are you a
friend of Frodo’s?"
Legolas: *snicker* "Friend." Riiiight.
Gandalf: I really hope she tries something with Frodo.
" Yes. I accompanied him all the way from the Shire."
" You must have travelled far."
" Yes we did but it was okay. I’m glad were here in Rivendell
though. It’s nice and peaceful."
"Yeah it is."
Gandalf: *as Melody* Yeah, like, it’s rilly cool, ok? And
I’m rilly a witch, ok?
Legolas: *as Melody* But I’m not, like, evil, ok? I’m just
rilly cute and bratty, ok?
They walked through the doors. There at the table sat other
members of the fellowship, Elrond and Arwen. Saw sat beside
Frodo and Melody sat beside Boromir. On her other side the
seat was empty so she guessed that that was where Gandalf
was to be sitting. Gandalf came and sat next to her.
Gandalf: You call that guesswork? I don’t call that guesswork.
Legolas: (as Melody) Ooh, Gandalf is heading for this seat?
I guess he must be, like, sitting here, ok?
Gandalf: Damn that Elrond, always seating me next to the losers.
Legolas: He’s hoping you’ll get fed up and turn her into an
Orc.
Gandalf: You mean, YOU’RE hoping I’ll get fed up and turn
her into an Orc.
Legolas: Elrond’s hoping, I’m hoping. Whatever.
" Know that we are all here let us eat. Gandalf and I
still have to choose when you are to leave Rivendell but it
should be soon." Elrond said.
Gandalf: Yeah. In fact, Melody? Leave. Now.
Melody and everyone started to eat everyone
Legolas: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Gandalf: Don’t even go there.
Legolas: Oh-kayyyy…
having there own little conversations with the people next
to them. She talked with Boromir as she ate.
Legolas: I can’t believe she’s talking with that much food
in her mouth.
Gandalf: *snicker*
She saw from the corner of eye that Legolas was watching
her.
Legolas: Nooo, I’m not.
Gandalf: You’re starting to fall in love with her, I think.
Legolas: *gets up* Screw this!
Gandalf: *grabs Legolas’s arm* You’re not going anywhere.
Do I have to cast a spell to glue you to that chair? ‘Cause
I will.
Legolas: *grumpily* Isn’t it, like, illegal for you Maia to
use your powers this way?
Gandalf: Probably.
" What part of middle earth are you from?" he asked as
he took a sip of his wine.
Gandalf: He who? He Boromir or he Legolas?
Legolas: Buggered if I know.
Gandalf: Don’t make me say it.
" I live in Mordor." At this he raised his eyebrows slightly.
" Mordor. You live in that place!?"
Legolas: (as Boromir) Oh, I have a little cottage there! We
used to go there on holidays when I was a lad!
Gandalf: (as Melody) Oh, what a coincidence! Perhaps we may
have bought ice creams in the same shop?
Legolas: (as Boromir) Which obviously means we’ll fall in
love!
Gandalf: Except she’s falling in love with you, Mr. Darcy.
Legolas: Can you blame me for trying?
" Yes. Where do you come from?" She asked a little nervous
at his reaction.
" I come from Gondor. Why do you live in Mordor?
Legolas: (as Melody) Well, after I was banned from every other
area of Middle-Earth, I really didn’t have any other choice,
okay?
How can you live in Mordor? That place is so dark."
Gandalf: (as Melody) Actually, the burning eye of Sauron really
lights it up these days.
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