Aragorn: We’re on a mission.
Frodo: You see, we’re fed up with people making us act like complete
idiots in their fanfic.
Merry: Now, don’t get us wrong. We’re not opposed to fanfic in
general. Some of it’s quite creative, and even well-written.
Pippin: And we don’t even mind being written out-of-character, as
long as it’s obviously supposed to be a joke.
Arwen: Unfortunately, far too many of these fics are intended to be
serious.
Merry: And in addition to that, most of them really suck eggs.
Legolas: If I see one more author who forces me to fall in love with
some moronic Mary Sue with pointy ears and a fondness for singing
N’Sync lyrics, I’m going to have to resort to the Elvish Smackdown, and
I’m telling you, it won’t be pretty.
Boromir: *nods* I’ve seen it. It’s not pleasant.
Gimli: And they always make ME the bad guy! What's up with that?
Legolas: Really. Just because Gimli's not pretty doesn't mean he's
evil.
Gimli: Thank y-- HEY!
Gandalf: So we’re making it our mission to find these horrible
fanfics and give ‘em the hatchet.
Eowyn: We’re going to be ruthless, just like the authors are.
Elrond: ESPECIALLY the ones who mess with the canon.
Sam: I’ll kill them if they try anything.
Aragorn: Yeah, Sam, we know.
Frodo: So, if you hate these horrible fanfics as much as we do, sing
it with us:
All: *singing * "We’re not gonna take it! No, we ain’t gonna take
it! We’re not gonna take it, anymooooorrrrre!"

Based on: Arwen's Tale
Disclaimer- the characters of Lord of the Rings don’t belong to
me- no matter how hard I wish- I just want the author 2 live on and
continue stories with his characters. You get the picture! ^_~

Arwen: Call me crazy, but isn’t the author dead?
Aragorn: Well, at least he’s getting a little healthy exercise.
Arwen: All the rolling in the grave and all.

I’m getting sick of reading fics about Aragorn and Legolas being
2gether,

Arwen: 2gether? What is a 2gether?
Aragorn: I don’t think it’s legal here.

so here’s my ‘counter attack’. Remember that person named ARWEN?

Aragorn: Who?
Arwen: *hits him*
Aragorn: Ow.

The one Aragorn marries???!!! Well, here is her story!

Aragorn: Hahahaha. How old is this author?
Arwen: *checks* Fourteen.
Aragorn: Hee. Still young enough to think marriage means… well, ahem.
Arwen: How is Legolas getting on, by the way?
Aragorn: Not bad… Hey, wait a minute, she says this is your story!
Arwen: *shrugs* Must be one of those unauthorised bio thingies.
Aragorn: Did she even interview you?
Arwen: Hello? She thinks I’m fiction.

Arwen smiled down on the valley her father resided in, the
beautiful Rivendell. ‘How could I ever leave?’ She wondered. But, then again, those were the exact words she had asked when she had entered Lothlorien.

Aragorn: Didn’t you say that when you moved to Mordor, too?
Arwen: Shut up, okay? It was nice before that asshole Sauron started buying up all the real estate and building Dark Towers and whatnot.
Aragorn: Mmmmhmm.
Arwen: And by the way, call one crazy, but why would one ask oneself that question when one enters a realm?
Aragorn: Why are you referring to yourself as ‘one’?
Arwen: One is queen, after all. *pause* Not as big a queen as you, of course.
Aragorn: Burn.

She steered her white mare down the wooded slope to enter her
father’s realm, the land of Rivendell.

Arwen: Hey, stop fondling that Legolas bookmark!
Aragorn: Erm, sorry.
Arwen: I don’t even want to THINK about what you’re doing with his
action figure.

Arwen sighed. It had been so long since she had walked the paths
of Rivendell

Aragorn: Weren’t you just on a horse?
Arwen: Must be a really short horse.

Oh, how she had missed the green slopes and wooded valleys.

Aragorn: Because there are neither slopes nor valleys in Lothlorien.
Arwen: Riiight.

She had planned to spend her first evening back with her father,
but he had informed her that he had a very pressing matter to attend to.

Aragorn: That must have been when he tried on all of your dresses.
Remember? You got all mad and accused Legolas.
Arwen: *looks ashamed* Daddy really did love the purple one, didn’t he?
Aragorn: It looked better on me.
Arwen: That’s what Legolas said too.

So, she walked in the dusky twilight in the woods of Rivendell
alone.

Arwen: *sings* But I WOULD not feeeel so aalll alllloooooone….
Aragorn: EVERYBODY must get stoned!
Both: *snicker*

Suddenly, a twig snapped. Arwen’s elven ears instantly pricked up.
She spun to face a human male. Unwillingly, her lips parted slowly.

Arwen: My ears pricked up? What the fuck am I, a dog?
Aragorn: Don’t make me say it.
Arwen: Shut up, human male. And by the way, I could tell you were a friend of Dorothy right from the start.
Aragorn: Is it THAT obvious?

He was tall and imposing.

Aragorn: Boo-yah!
Arwen: *snickers*
Aragorn: Hey!
Arwen: Sorry. I’m an elf. I know tall.

His eyes were a steel gray that held her green eyes and made her a prisoner.

Aragorn: *peers into Arwen’s eyes* Your eyes are blue.
Arwen: *peers back* So are yours.
Aragorn: Feeling imprisoned?
Arwen: Not so much.

His brown hair fell to his shoulders and was held back with a thin
leather band. He wore a sword at his hip with a familiarity that
implied he knew how to use it.

Both: *snicker*

He did not look ashamed of the fact that he had snuck up on a lady
of high blood.

Aragorn: Snuck. Who says snuck?
Arwen: Poor dead Tolkien would never have said snuck.
Aragorn: High blood is right, by the way.
Arwen: Hey, I’ve really cut down!
Aragorn: Shut up and pass the bong.

In fact, he didn’t even seem to recognize her. This was of no
fault of his own.

Aragorn: Right. You weren’t wearing your ‘Aloof Unavailable Elf
Princess’ t-shirt that day.
Arwen: Shut up, human male.

Arwen had dwelled in Lothlorien for five decades and the man did
not look a day over thirty, if that. He was a mere child compared to
Arwen’s millennia.

Aragorn: A mere child, is it?
Arwen: Dude. I’m older than you are. Deal with it.
Aragorn: Yeah, you’re a millenia, even.
Arwen: Well, I thought I was an Elf, but whatever.

‘Say something!’ a voice cried inside her head. ‘Does a man turn
you speechless when all the elven princes in Middle-Earth could not
hold your attention long?’

Arwen: She obviously doesn’t know about that fling I had with
Legolas’s brother.
Aragorn: What’s with the voices in your head, anyway?
Arwen: There’s going to be a bustle in your hedgerow in a minute if
you don’t shut up.
Aragorn: *sing-songs* Arwen has imaginary frieeends!

But it was not Arwen’s task to break the silence.

Aragorn: That’s not fair.
Arwen: You’ll live.

The man paused only a moment before speaking. "Forgive me," he
said. His voice was deep and melodious.

Arwen: *snort*
Aragorn: Hey!
Arwen: You know I love you like an elven prince, but you’re a
mumbler, dude. You always have been.

"I did not mean to startle you. I was just wondering if you could
tell me how it is that I can dwell here in fair Rivendell for all of
my twenty years, yet not remember a maiden as fair and youthful as you?"

Arwen: I was just wondering if you could tell me how it is that I
could have lived several millennia and never heard anyone speak like this?
Aragorn: I know. Does she really think I would pick someone up this way?
Arwen. Heh. Remember when you met Legolas, and you told him, "You have my sword?"
Aragorn: I thought that was a pretty good line, actually.
Legolas: Well, it worked.
Aragorn: Oh, there you are.
Legolas: Did I miss anything?

"You have a sweet tongue, young man," smiled Arwen, now fully
recovered.

Legolas: Huh. Looks like I came just in time.
Aragorn: That’s what SHE said.
All: *snicker*
Legolas: He does have a sweet tongue, though... *snuggles up to
Aragorn* A sweeeet tongue. Give me some sugar.
Aragorn: *embarrassed* Legolas, not now!

"However, you speak in vain.

All: Bzuh?

I am Arwen Evenstar and my father is Elrond, Lord of Rivendell.
The reason you do not remember me is because you were not born when last I dwelled here.

Aragorn: See, there you go being all condescending again.
Legolas: "I was playing in the sandbox before your
great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was even CONCEIVED!"
Arwen: Oh, shut up. And by the way, it’s dwelt, moron. The word is
dwelt.
Aragorn: See? Condescending.

Now tell me, what is your name?"

Aragorn: I don’t think this is the conversation we had.
Arwen: No. I seem to remember you saying, "I’m going to be king. Gay. Kinda need a beard. Know anyone?"
Aragorn: I don’t think we actually introduced ourselves for about a
week.
Arwen: I’m fairly sure I didn’t know your name at our wedding.
Legolas: At least you’re more convincing than Tom and Nicole were.
All: *snicker*

"You strike me with despair, fairest of the fair," sighed the
man.

Aragorn: Hey! I’m a poet, and I didn’t even know it!
Legolas: There once was an Elf from Nantucket…

"My name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur.

Aragorn: I have never ONCE introduced myself that way.
Legolas: I know. When I met you, you told me you were a traveling
salesman.
Aragorn: Well, I just didn’t want to intimidate you with that whole
future-King-of-Gondor thing.
Legolas: I’m a prince, remember? I would’ve gotten over it.

It was not one hour ago when I thought this title grand and
powerful, but know you have opened my eyes and shown me how small and unworthy I am!

Aragorn: I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!
Arwen: Oh, get up off your knees.
Legolas: He likes it there.
Arwen: Ew.

I will not bother you again." With these last words, he left the
hill where Arwen stood and returned to Rivendell.

Arwen: That was some speedy hill-leaving.
Aragorn: I’m fast.
Arwen: Should I even go there?
Legolas: No.

Arwen watched him go. She shrugged as soon as he disappeared below the slope of the hill. ‘What a shame he was so smitten,’ she sighed. I felt we could be friends!’

Arwen: Yeah, we could have played Monopoly and had chugging contests. Aragorn: Yeah, so much for THAT plan, since I’m so SMITTEN and all.
Legolas: Um, how does a person disappear below a slope?
Arwen: The same way that a person is imprisoned by someone’s eyes, maybe.
Aragorn: That is to say, not at all.

The voice inside her head laughed mercilessly. ‘You thought more
than that!’ it taunted.

Aragorn: Aw, Arwy’s maginawy fwend is back!
Arwen: Shut up.

Arwen ignored it and pushed it far from her mind.

Aragorn: Arwy is mean to her maginawy fwend.
Legolas: Go away, evil thoughts! Out! Out!
Aragorn: *snicker*

Aragorn threw himself down upon his bed.

Legolas: *smirks* I remember this bit.
Arwen: *sticks fingers in ears* Lalalalala!

‘What a fool I have made of myself,’ he thought. ‘Falling in love
with a maiden of Elrond’s family! Your title has swelled your head!’

Arwen: Maiden?! Slander! Libel! I was three thousand years old! I
haven’t been a maiden since I was… really young!
Aragorn: And I’ve never gone on about my title like this!
Legolas: Which is why your coronation pillow says ‘Still Not King’ on
it.
Aragorn: Hmph.

As soon as the thought entered his head, Aragorn bolted up. "Did I
dare to utter those words?" he asked himself. "If only in thought?"

Legolas: It’s not exactly uttering if you’re only thinking it, is it,
ducky, hmm?
Aragorn: Dare I to utter them? Even if I do not utter them?
Arwen: *snicker*

He paused. This would never do. He must leave Rivendell and its
Evenstar. Elrond’s sons had taught him well.

Arwen: Right. Leave Rivendell for some rustic bonking.
Legolas: YOU WERE DOING IT WITH ELROND’S SONS?
Aragorn: I was young! And bored! And I hadn’t met you yet!
Legolas: *pouts*

Now his teachings would be put to the test.

Arwen: That makes no sense.
Aragorn: I think she meant, "His lessons would be put to the test."
Legolas: And his stamina.
Aragorn: Only with you.
Arwen: You guys are seriously grossing me out over here.

Well, u know what they say, the rest is history! I just wanted
everyone to know that Aragorn is not gay.

All: *laughing hysterically*
Aragorn: I’m SOOOO glad she cleared that up.

One of Tolkien’s best features was the tragic romance of the elven
princess and the human king, and I didn’t like people going against
this!

Aragorn: How dare they?
Arwen: Presumptuous brats!

Consider this my tribute to Tolkien! ^_~

Tolkien: *throws tribute back* Argh!
Arwen: Go Tolkien!
Aragorn: Isn’t this the same fanfic asshat who wrote a story giving
Gandalf a Mary Sue daughter?
Legolas: No one said she was consistent.
Arwen: Aragorn, stop that, and put your hands up where I can see
them!
Aragorn: Oh, come on.
Legolas: You like it.
Arwen: *meekly* Well… yeah.

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