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I'm disappointed in you all. The majority of the messages in the veryverygay
inbox as of late have been positive. Everyone thinks the site is entertaining
and hilarious! They think it's a fun joke!
Well, stop it. Part of me is gratified that so many of you manage to
understand the concept of parody, but praise is not as amusing as abuse,
as we'll soon see in this edition of Very Very Gay Letters.
But before we get started, I have a few things to let some of my more
zealous readers know:
• If you flame me and ask me to respond, you should know that I
won't. I'll put the entertaining letters here, but no little flamer
is getting a response from me.
• If you ask for you letter to be included on the Letters page,
it won't be.
• Yes, I am familiar with The Very Secret Diaries, and yes, I am
aware that Ian McKellen is gay.
Now that that's out of the way, on with the show!
From: Buffonia
To: veryverygay@hotmail.com
Subject: Good show!
Date: Fri, 7 Feb 2003
Excellent. You did a good job of cleverly blending humor and fact into
a very effective parody site. I giggled my way through all the pages
and found myself disappointed that there wasn't an infinite supply.
Funny how some people think you are being anti-gay while the homophobes
accuse you of being as flaming as their emails. As a bisexual slashfic
writer, I wasn't offended. And I don't think I was missing the point.
Well done!
-Nikki
Aw. So sweet, this Nikki is. And not a spelling mistake or ill-constructed
sentence to be found! Plus, she's bisexual, and that's the kind of thing
we enjoy here at vvg.com. While I generally have an aversion to people
named Nikki who spell it with two Ks, I'll make an exception in this
case. But only because she's bisexual. B
From: Honey122385@aol.com
To: veryverygay@hotmail.com
Subject: lol
Date: Fri, 7 Feb 2003
jus wanted to say ur site is hysterical and i LOVE elijah wood and im
dying of laughter so its really dumb when people get all mad sorry i
have run on sentences im immature and 17 but act like im 12 by the way
i LOVE the homepage picture of elijah and that shirt its fuckin HYSTERICAL
i am shittin in my pants laughing i love all the pictures find some
more those r good haha
What I appreciate about this letter is its author's admission of
teenie-dom. She knows she's a teenie, and embraces it. While I can't
quite endorse the latter, I do appreciate honesty in any form. C+
From: "Willy Wonka" < bumblezzbeez@hotmail.com >
To: veryverygay@hotmail.com
Subject: Hello Deary
Date: Thu, 06 Feb 2003
First of all, I really can't tell whether you are male or female. Not
that it really matters, but it would be interesting to know.
Second of all - I love people like you. :)
Ah, the approval of the masses. It's like a warm fuzzy blanket
to wrap oneself in after oneself gets thrown in the lake. As for you,
Mr. Wonka, I agree it would be interesting to know if I am male or female.
C
From: Franco Dog Boucher < franco@desertconsulting.us >
To: veryverygay@hotmail.com
Subject: Um, and?
Date: Thu, 6 Feb 2003
So what if he is gay. Are you gay? I am. Lots of people are. What is
the big deal?
See, that's exactly what I want to know. C
From: "Hannah W." < xxxshootingstarzxxx@yahoo.com >
To: veryverygay@hotmail.com
Subjec: ...
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 2003
hey... um... my name is Hannah and my friend was on the internet and
she sent me your site...i'm sorry but you've got everything wrong...
well everything except the fact that Franka is an awful person... but
no actaully Elijah isn't gay and i suggest you take everything back...
some of the pictures that you have include some of my friends... Orlando
Bloom is one of them... and no he's not gay... and nor is Dom and Billy....
i really want you to stop this bull s*** of yours becuase it's all fake...
by now i think you would have figured out who i am... i'm Elijah's younger
sister Hannah Wood... and of all people i would know if what your saying
is true... and it's not... so please just back of and close your site...
oh and a message from Elijah... he really doesn't appreciate it... i
hope you'll listen and discontinue your website...
*~*Hannah*~*
Oh, man. It's hard to believe, but this kind of thing really leaves
me speechless. I mean, it's really hard to be funny about something
so... lame. So all I can really say is that I do believe this is the
first email I've received from a Hannah Wood impersonator, so it's kind
of a special moment for me. Also, I'm not a big fan of excessive ellipsis
use, but in this case, it really seems to go. B -
From: "Ryan Young" < aven@brick.net >
To: < veryverygay@hotmail.com >
Subject: insults!!
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 2003
To Whom It May Concern:
Number one anyone who discriminates anyone in the gay community is most
and above all insecure themselves. Number two, anyone who can find joy
in the ridicule of someone else is not only twisted but lacks true intelligence.
Number three if Elijah is in fact gay its his own business, and as for
people like you how can find nothing better to do than torment him for
it, you will never find love. Each to their own and those who scrutinize
shall parish in deep thought of self torment.---- in case you mind is
too small to comprehend the meaning of this passage, it means love is
love and those who are against will rot in there own torment of never
finding it. I only wish that most people have the self control that
Elijah does, because I know if this site where about me, you would have
a law suit on your head for Defamation so fast, a coma would set in.
why is it that small minds lack intelligence?; because they lack culture.
Ryan
P.S BTW I dare you say my composition is bad, I’m an English teacher
Oh, Lord. Why do people have to bait me like this? Why? Here he is,
this poor man begging me to mock and rip apart his substandard writing.
Maybe when he says "English teacher" he actually means "the guy who
sells newspapers out of the back of a truck." No disrespect to guys
who actually sell newspapers out of the back of a truck. D +
From: ChevelleCookie13@aol.com
To: veryverygay@hotmail.com
Subject: interesting and desturbing
Date: Mon, 3 Feb 2003
I found your website interesting and desdurbing. I am a huge Elijah
fan, but have only liked him for about 3 months. My boyfriend tried
to tell me Elijah was gay, but i always thought he was just jelouse.
Well to tell you the truth i dont no whether to believe you or not,
mabe its just i dont want to believe you. I really feel sick right now
cuz about 3 weeks ago i wrote elijah a letter telling him how much i
love him! Please write me and tell me if you are joking or not. Thanx
-Trixy
Aw. I almost feel sorry for this girl.
Almost.
From: "Ben Harrison" < benh@gossner.com >
To: veryverygay@hotmail.com
Subject: Your not very smart
Date: 28 Jan 2003
Elijah Wood is not gay! Don't you know that too be gay you half to
have sex with people with the same sex as you? Having big, pretty eyes
like Elijah does doesn't mean anything. He's really not gay I'm telling
you, cause gay people go to hell for being gay. You should go to hell
to, cause your probly gay to. Also... Ian Mckellen really is gay, and
you don't say anything about him being really gay. Why is that do you
think... do you think it's wrong for young attractive men and boys to
be gay but its ok for old men just because there old? Jesus never said
that! You should read the bible instead of watching the gay porn so
much it would make you smarter and more christian and then maybe you
would stop being gay all the time, haha. You spend to much time writing
stupid shit on your website and should stop and go outside sometimes
becuase theres more to life then the internet you know. My advice to
you is like your dad. Get a job sir! stupid bastard.
-Ben
Well, we all know how much I love it when they end the letter with an
insult along the lines of "stupid bastard." That's a classic. All that
with Jesus talk, Bible-thumping AND Ian McKellen? It's nothing we haven't
seen before, but I'm still giving it a B.
From: Rachel Hart < jmoqaf101@yahoo.com >
To: veryverygay@hotmail.com
Subject: Elijah's gayness
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2003
such a clever little thing you are. My friend and i have been debating
the subject for quite some time now. However, i (personally that is)
believe that Elijah Wood is in fact a lesbian, but we all have our opinions
now don't we.
Hee. A +
From: "Abra Cadabra"
To: veryverygay@hotmail.com
Subject: u suck ass loozr
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2003
my frendz tol;d me 2 cum here becuz ur site is zso STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND GAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cant belive u hanve’t been kicked off the internet where u belong!!!!!!
this is inacceptible for u 2 do when u no that elihjah fans will b serching
for GOOD websites about him!!!!
its not suitable for ppl 2 c this CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UR JUST JEALKOUS THAT HES NOT GAY & EVEN IF HE WAS HED BE WITH DOMONIC
MONOGAHN AND NOT U BECUZ UR SO OVIOUSLY DESPRATE AND PATHETIC!!!!!!~!
There we are, back to normal. Frankly, Abra Cadabra, there are
some days I can't believe I haven't been kicked off the internet either.
You know, for a while there I forgot how numbers replacing letters give
me a colossal headache. Thanks for the reminder, Abra. D
From: "Johnny Appleseed"
To: veryverygay@hotmail.com
Subject:Like WOW!
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2003
Like o my god, I'm very very gay myself, and like I would be like SOOOOOOOOOOOOo
happy if Elijah was gay, cuz like oh my god we could like BE together!
Like, like i would like that like so much! Like whoah! I am so happy
now that Elijah might be GAY!
On a more serious note...creative site! Keep up the good work....
Disclaimer: I'm not really gay.
This one made me laugh. B +
And that's all for this edition, folks. I hope everyone is enjoying
veryverygay.com and remember that all correspondence can now be sent
to comments@veryverygay.com.
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